Melnyk Unveils Bizarre Plan to Boost Attendance

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)

For the Ottawa Senators, the 2016-17 season is off to a pretty good start. The club holds a 10-5-1 record after sixteen games, and more importantly, seem to have finally solved their defensive woes. Case in point: in eight of their last nine games, the Sens have allowed just two goals or fewer. That's really good. What's not really good is that the Sens have scored just two goals or fewer in eleven of their last twelve games.

NOTE: This statistic does not acknowledge goals scored in the shootout, and neither should you.

The lack of production from the Senators' offence is concerning. But what is more concerning, is the Senators' off-ice woes...

After nine home games this season, the Ottawa Senators are on pace to record their lowest attendance figures in TWENTY YEARS. To put that into perspective, here's some cool facts about the 1995-96 Ottawa Senators:

       - they played a portion of their season at the Civic Centre
       - Randy Cunneyworth was their Captain
       - the Hartford Whalers were in their division
       - Chris Phillips hadn't even been born yet

So why are the numbers so low? Some speculate that fans are waiting for the Senators to move downtown (we're only about six years away). Others think that there are simply too many other good options for their entertainment dollar, like museums that feature old farm equipment. And yet, still more people seem to believe that Senators fans are just plain sick and tired of a team that never has any ambition beyond sneaking into the playoffs via a wild card spot. A team that routinely promises sweeping changes, but never, ever delivers. A team that offers no evidence at all of a vision for the future.

But, I mean, who knows? These scenarios are each equally plausible, right??

One thing is for sure: because they are a team that exists solely as a source of income for its owner budget team, the Ottawa Senators are going to have to do something about this, and fast. And they know it. On Tuesday, Sens owner Eugene Melnyk went on one of his trademark 'make everything worse' rants.

"Look," his letter began. "For the outdoor game, I proposed something highly illogical, logistically impossible, and borderline illegal. And they had the audacity to say no! To me! So what am I supposed to do? Give the long-suffering fans of this team an event like they've never seen before, but use someone else's facility to do it, meaning I don't get a full 100% of the profits?? NEVER IN YOUR DAMN LIFE!!"

He then went on to address the attendance concerns.

"I mean, yes, this team has been bad for the last ten years... BUT, they've also been good for the past ten days! And still nobody is coming?? Now, some say that they can't keep winning this way... that scoring just one or two goals and relying on world-class goaltending is not sustainable... well, to them I say: 'wouldja just shaddup and gimme your money already!?'"

In the midst of his complaining, Melnyk paused to assure folks that the attendance woes would not continue, because he himself had concocted a foolproof plan.

"There is one bright spot on the calendar. One game that the cheapskates in this awful town have actually bought tickets for. So, with that in mind, I am pleased to announce that, starting this Thursday night, and at every single home game for the rest of the year, we will be honoring Daniel Alfredsson by raising his number 11 to the rafters!"

@Capital_Gains65

"So if you want to be there for one of these historic, once-in-a-lifetime events, TOUGH" he wrote, "Because you'll have to commit to attending several. That's right! Tickets are only available as part of a multi-game package! But hey! If you show up to the games early enough, you'll get a chance to see some random kid who volunteered to sing the anthem for free, so there's always that!"

"That oughta do it," Melnyk's letter concludes. "Those ingrates always did like that greedy little-- hachi machi, I'm still writing!? What gives??"

Ottawa fans mired in despair and angst as team sets 100+ point pace

by Joe Boughner (@McLlwainsWorld)

A vortex of despair and angst has settled over the Senators' fan base in recent weeks as their hockey heroes have stormed out of the gate to a surprising 10-5-1 record in their first 16 games, good enough for second place in the Atlantic Division.

The Senators bravely huddle on the ice in Philadelphia to discuss

what went wrong in their OT win over the Flyers.

PS. We stole this photo from the Senators' Twitter feed.

Please don't sue us, guys.

<3 <3 <3

"I can barely stand to watch," tweeted one fan as the Senators rallied late to force OT and eventually win on the road in Philadelphia Tuesday night. "This team is so .... blah."

The Senators have managed at least a point in each of their last four games, including a surprising win over the perennial powerhouse Los Angeles Kings.

"They need to pull the trigger on a few deals, this roster desperately needs a shake up," commented one fan in response to another victory Vine gif video on the Sens' official Facebook page. "No wonder people aren't buying tickets to watch these lacklustre efforts!"

The forboding blackness of eternal sorrow is most palpable at the Canadian Tire Centre, where poor attendance has been the norm during a home-heavy November schedule. The team's record in their own rink is 6-2-1.

"Look, maybe if they string a few wins together I'll pony up for some stubs," mused one post-game show caller. "But they gotta show me they're committed to actually winning."

Like a Poe verse come to life, the best years of Erik Karlsson's career are ticking away while the Senators are on pace for 107 points.

The Florida Panthers won the division in 2015-16 with 103 points.

Photoshop Battle #1: Spooky, Scary, Sparty?

Every few weeks, Capital Gains and Matty Gervais will be throwing down in a one-on-one Photoshop Battle based on reader suggestions.

The first Photoshop Battle of the season is now underway, and given the date, it has a Halloween twist to it. At the end of this post there's a link to a poll where you'll be able to vote for this week's winner.

Let's go!

Stranger Things

Thanks to @Victory4201 for the suggestion.

Daniel "Eleven" Alfredsson

It only makes sense for Alfie to dress as Eleven

Dustin Stone

After he's done stealing pucks he can steal some teeth

PG-13

Gru Boucher with his Minion Tom Pyatt

Dzingle the Delivery Man

Dzingel's been delivering it all season

14-A

Thanks to @BonksMullet for the suggestion.

Sexy Sparty

A sexy costume you'd like to unsee

Sexy Borowiecki

Boro sticking true to his #brand

Classic Horror Films

Michael "Melnyk" Myers

The only thing Eugene will slashing this year is the team budget.

Widey Krueger

1, 2 Widey's coming for you

Other

Curtis the Clown

Lazar "trying" to be a scary clown

Methot the Werewolf

At least this explains why he's always shirtless

End of Round One

This concludes the inaugural Photoshop Battle. Please be sure to vote for your favourites by clicking here and filling out the form. Happy Halloween!

Gainsy vs. Matty - Photoshop Battle Preview

A common theme for 2016 has been the idea of two heroes battling for supremacy. We've seen Batman clash with Superman. Captain America go toe to toe with Iron Man. The Auston Matthews™ vs. Erik Karlsson. Team Europe vs. Team Canada.

And now, we'll get to see Gainsy vs. Matty, Mano a Mano in a series of Photoshop Battles. Yes, that's Battles with an 's' which means there's going to be more than 1 since neither one of us has a mother named Martha.

We're looking for sponsors.

The Goal

Find out who the better Photoshopper is.

The Judges

Simon, Randy and Paula. You.

What Will Be Judged

Over the course of the season, in a series of posts, we'll be taking photoshop suggestions from you and making them. Each post will consist of 3-5 mini-battles in which you'll have the option to pick a winner for each. The overall winner for the week will be revealed in the following week's post. Although there will be no official schedule for posting, it's likely that these will be a bi-weekly feature.

Using the hashtag #GAINSYvsMATTY on Twitter or by filling out this form, you can send in suggestions for what you want to see made in Photoshop, Sens related, for now. The form/hashtag will be observed on a daily basis, so feel to send in ideas whenever you want.

When thinking of suggestions, we'd recommend taking a Mad Libs approach to it. Name a location, an adjective, a verb, etc. The more freedom the photoshoppers have, the better. That, however, doesn't mean suggestions as specific as "Curtis Lazar with red braces on the carousel in Central Park on a snowy Saturday in December" or as open-ended as "One of the players outside" aren't acceptable. We might not use them, but you can still suggest it.

Battle #1: Spooky, Scary, Sparty?

Battle #2

We are no longer looking specifically for Halloween themed suggestions. Anything will do. Thanks!

Questions

If you have any questions, drop a comment below (yeah, there's a comment section on this site) or send me (@Capital_Gains65) a tweet, and I'll do my best to answer it within 7-10 business days.

Sens Right Now 004 - New Additions

by Mike Wheeler (@theMikeWheeler)

We've got a hot season preview (?) coming right at ya this week on Sens Right Now!

bRian5or6 Road Trip Edition

went on a road trip to Montreal to see the Sens. worst idea of my life.

Major Networks Announce Auston Matthews Programming for 2016-17 Season

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)

The Ottawa Senators will begin the 2016-17 season at home tonight, where they'll play host to their arch-rivals, the Toronto Maple Leafs. And while it's expected to be business as usual within the arena, fans watching at home are sure to notice something very different about this year's broadcasts.

You see, after winning the NHL's draft lottery earlier in the summer, the Toronto Maple Leafs stepped up to the podium on June 24th and used the first overall pick to draft Arizona-native Auston Matthews. Since the draft, the Maple Leafs' fan base has been rabidly sniffing out every scrap of available news relating to their would-be saviour. They want all Matthews, all the time. And broadcasters are scrambling to ensure that that's what they'll get.

Get to Know Phil Varone

by Joe Boughner (@McLlwainsWorld)

Almost every year in every NHL training camp, some unheralded depth guy puts on enough of a show to get fans talking in excited tones before eventually coming back down to earth and disappearing from our collective memory. In Ottawa, such a player is often said to be "pulling a Bochenski" and this year nobody has Bochenski'd harder than Phil "The Thrill" Varone.

From fans in the upper decks singing his praises to the tune of the creepy-as-all-hell-in-retrospect Knack hit My Sharona, to other tweets that suggested he is pretty okay at hockey, the pride of Vaughan, Ontario, is all the rage in Sensland.

But who is Phil Varone? We sat down with the upstart sniper Googled him and then took artistic liberties with whatever came up to bring you this Very Special Feature.

<SoftAcousticGuitarMusic.wav>

Give him some slack, Jack.

Phil Varone was born in Vaughan, Ontario, eldest son of Phillipe "Ol' Pep" Verone, a sheet metal worker whose own dreams of sports stardom faded away after an unfortunate plumbing accident as a teen left him unable to give more than 87% to any given task.

"I'd always wanted to make it to the big leagues in competitive darts," explained the elder Varone. "But that requires 110% effort at least 75-80% of the time. I didn't have it in me."

Forced to carry the dreams of his father in a tattered knapsack, young Phil Varone learned early on the value of hard work, often getting up at the crack of dawn to feed the family chickens before heading off to school on his second-hand bike, the banana seat cracked and worn so many a tattered knapsack.

<SlightlyMelancholyPianoMusicInAMinorKey.wav>

But the temptations of high school life nearly ended the Varones' shared dreams of stardom.

It's funny because he has the same name as a drummer.
That's the joke.
Photo by MattyGoSens.

"Philly started hanging with a rough crowd," lamented his mother Maria. "Getting into heavy metal music and partying and stuff... it was upsetting."

Varone ended up taking up the drums and going on tour with his band Saigon Kick in 1988 somehow despite being born in 1990 (Editor: Joe, this can't be right. Are you sure this is the same dude?). This led to further stints with Skid Row and Mötley Crüe's Vince Neil and the crazy lifestyle that often comes along with such a crowd.

Eventually, he began to be known more for his NSFW hobbies than for his silky mitts on the hockey rink.

<MusicDrops>

That's when fate intervened.

<UpliftingPianoBallad.wav>

"I think it's fair to say the Murrays saved my life," mused Varone from his Ottawa hotel room.

"Living in Rochester, doing swinger porn and trying to reboot my drumming career, it was toxic, man."

That's when Tim Murray and his Uncle Brian engineered The Trade (TM).

"The Senators organization is the furthest thing away from a life of hard partying and heavy metal," explained Varone. "It was like finding the fountain of youth and also a fountain that makes you good at hockey."

Living out of a suitcase in a suburban Kanata hotel room has given Phil Varone a new outlook on life and a new chance to honour his father's legacy.

"Whether I end up here or I move into the Fairfield Inn near the Cracker Barrel in Bingo, I really feel like I've turned a corner. I'm no longer Phil Varone, 48-year-old drummer-turned-porn-star. I'm Phil Varone, 25-year-old fringe NHL'er who is Bochensking hard and living the pre-season dream."

"You couldn't make this up if you tried."

Brassard Determined to Replace Zibanejad - On and Off the Ice

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)

On July 18th, the Ottawa Senators traded Mika Zibanejad to the New York Rangers in exchange for center Derick Brassard. The move was meant to signify that, after a string of disappointing seasons, the Senators were serious about returning to their winning ways.

Marc Methot draws criticism after controversial "Sticks Out" salute against Maple Leafs

by Capital Gains (@Capital_Gains65)

Nearly every team in the NHL has adopted the tradition of saluting the crowd following a victory on home ice. However, for Senators this season, they will be saluting after every game; Win or lose, home or away, it doesn't matter to them.

The Sens following their preseason game against the Maple Leafs

Shots Fired

After Ottawa's 6-3 exhibition victory over Toronto on Monday night, the Senators kept with their promise to salute the crowd. Even though the game took place in a neutral town like Halifax, the "home team" Leafs were extremely offended by the Senators' gesture, and spoke their minds after the game. "It's a disgrace" Leafs forward Brooks Laich reiterated a few times. "I went bananas when I saw them do it."

Via Skype, Milan Michalek, a former Senator, blamed it on the lack of leadership following his departure from Ottawa last season. "I would have never allowed this type of monkey business if I were still on the team."

Rookie Mitch Marner was very surprised and angered by the Senators' actions, in what was his first confrontation with the Sens. "They just brought guerrilla warfare to the Battle of Ontario. We'll see if they're still saluting come April."

In the Senators' dressing room, all eyes and fingers were pointed to Marc Methot. Although Methot didn't play, he was still the brains behind this ordeal. Methot started by apologizing to the offended Maple Leafs, but noted that they'll understand once they hear his side of the story. "Believe me, they'll understand. They will. I bet they'll start doing it themselves once they realize that this season, the salute is more than just a thank you to the fans. It's also a salute to an old friend, a friend who meant a lot to all of us."

"#tbt with the boyz" - Instagram: marcmeth3t

Sticks Out For Harambe

Prior to the salute in Halifax, Methot had been vocal on social media when it came to the infamous Cincinnati Zoo gorilla, Harambe. If you have no idea who I'm talking about, then you should be ashamed of yourself. Marc's words, not mine.

As mentioned, Methot has taken to social media to acknowledge his dear friend. From his own tweets, to liking some 14-A tweets, to even changing his profile picture. Marc has gone all in.

This part is not a joke.

In his post game interview, Methot also added that he doesn't believe the meaning behind the salute is a slight to the fans. "I don't think it's a takeaway from the fans at all. We're playing for them, and we're playing for him. Some people say you wouldn't notice the difference in the salute, but those people are wrong."

Methot finished the interview with an inspiring statement. "He was more than just a gorilla in a poorly built exhibit. He was also my friend. So if you play hockey, win or lose, make sure to salute after the game, because he would have done the same for you. Sticks out for Harambe."

A stall left vacant out of respect.

bRian's bOdycheckz S2E1: Sens Season Predictions

by bRian5or6

It's been a long summer for fans everywhere, but after a long off-season, it's finally back: bRian's bOdycheckz. Grab a beer, quit your job, put your feet up, and watch the season premiere right NOW OR ELSE I'LL FREAK.

A Guide to Watching the Ottawa Senators at the World Cup of Hockey

by Bonk's Mullet (@BonksMullet)

Every time an international hockey tournament rolls around, there's a conflicting feeling when Team Canada takes on one of our beloved Sens. Sure, Canada is the best country in the world and all other countries can kiss my maple-syrup-coated ass, but I've always found Sens players to feel more "local" than someone like, say, human-swamp-thing Corey Perry.

Corey Perry, "product" of Mike Babcock's "system."

Whether it was rooting for Hossa and Chara on Team Slovakia, trying to feel happy for Alfie when Sweden won gold in '06, or half-heartedly trying to care about whichever country it was that Milan Michalek was from, Sens fans have had a long history of rooting for their international foes.

EXCLUSIVE: Sens Considering 'Nuclear Option'

by Joe Boughner (@McLlwainsWorld)

It's weird that they're still using notebooks with the SNES logo but pictures on the internet never lie.

Documents uncovered by the Bonk's Mullet Research Division show the Ottawa Senators have drafted a top secret "nuclear option" for franchise success should the team fail to go on a lengthy playoff run in 2016-17.

The plan would see the Ottawa Senators petition the NHL for expansion team status, despite celebrating their 25th anniversary this season - a move the plan's authors admit is "alarmingly lacking in precedent."

"Based on the success of Ottawa's professional football and baseball expansion teams, we believe reverting to expansion status is the fastest way to get into the Stanley Cup Final," the plan states.

The Ottawa Champions earned a berth in the Can-Am baseball league's final series this week in the franchise's second year of existence. This follows a Grey Cup appearance by the CFL's Ottawa REDBLACKS in their second season last year.

The Ottawa Senators made their only Stanley Cup Final appearance nearly a decade ago and have missed the playoffs entirely twice in the last three years.

The plans included some tidbits about who the team planned on drafting, were an expansion draft to be approved.

"Of course we'd pick Erik Karlsson first overall. What type of moronic team would give up their charismatic, offensively skilled, Norris-winning defenceman?"

The plan's authors highlighted several risks in the plan, though, including uncertainty about how a franchise with 45 players currently under contract could participate in an expansion draft and concerns about the $500 million expansion fee.

"In our interview with Mr. Melnyk, he was optimistic the funds could be raised" the report says. "When pressed for details he said 'we're due to break and renegotiate our arena naming rights again, aren't we? What's that Tesla guy up to?'"

"When asked about merchandising revenue associated with a new logo and sweater, though, Mr. Melnyk was dismissive, muttering something unintelligible about just springing for new banners."

REVIEW: EA Sports' NHL 17

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)

It's almost here! The most special day of hockey's long offseason! That one beautiful day when jocks and nerds can come together as one and collectively kiss their consoles/each other! That's right: I'm talkin' about EA Sports' annual NHL video game release day! And here in '16, that video game is NHL 17 (?).

Four Things to Watch as the Senators Open Training Camp

by Joe Boughner (@McLlwainsWorld)

The wait is almost over, Ottawa Senators fans. Training camp is just a few weeks away and the team at Bonk's Mullet is preparing for another season of wall-to-wall coverage of your hometown heroes in red, white, black, heritage black, heritage white, a slightly different shade of red, and... gold?

So as we all bid adieu to the stupid summer and prepare to go pasty and pale in our basements, eyes glued to our televisions, here are the four biggest storylines set to play out at the Canadian Tire Centre and sometimes Sensplex if Disney on Ice needs the rink or whatever!

1) Who's on First?

No, not first base, silly. Gawd, you're so silly! Thinking I meant first base. This is a hockey blog, you big silly. *Twirls hair around finger* You're such a big silly!

No, I mean who is on the ice first. As in, the first line. And I specifically mean at the centre position. Though, admittedly, that part was left pretty vague. I guess you could say I like a little mystery in my life. *Twists cherry stem into a knot in my mouth*

*Coughs as the cherry stem goes into windpipe*

Kyle Turris has been the de facto number one centreman since Jason Spezza left town but newly-acquired Derick Brassard is expected to make a push for the crown.

That's kind of all there is to say about that, actually. Now you see why I padded it with some harmless flirtation. I mean, they both play centre. And they're both pretty good, apparently. So one of them is going to be the first-line centre and one is going to be the second-line centre. That will be decided in training camp, at least until the coach changes his mind again after the season starts.

Drama!

It's funny because that's Johnny Drama from Entourage. You guys remember Entourage? It was terrible. 

2) Who's on... Sixth?

Ottawa's top four defencemen will be longtime stalwarts and fan favourites Erik Karlsson, Marc Methot, Cody Ceci, and then also Dion Phaneuf will be there. After that, though, things get a little bit interesting.

Chris Wideman played 64 games in his first NHL season and should have an inside track at the 5th defenceman position, but who will be skating beside him is yet to be determined. Will Captain Grit, Mark Borowiecki, be an everyday player? Is Mike Kostka really our sixth-best option god help us all? Or will a prospect like Thomas Chabot or Fredrik Claesson grab on to a roster position with some strong preseason play?

I'mma just leave this here.

You probably expected a joke somewhere in this section. But our defensive depth is no laughing matter, folks.

Let's move on.

3) Who will be sacrificed to Æsbiorn: The Reaver of Souls?

One possible down note for Sens fans at this otherwise glorious time, it's Ottawa's turn to make the annual NHL sacrifice to Æsbiorn: The Reaver of Souls and, as per the concessions made in the last round of CBA talks, this year is the first year that it's Æsbiorn's option. That means the Senators don't just get to offer up some late round draft pick from seven years ago like most teams have done. 

Some have speculated that the Norse-god-turned-soul-reaver may be up for a challenge, leading to suggestions that Curtis Lazar may be on the block, though others have argued that Lazar's overwhelming goodness and purity of being may be too much for the reaver to take. Only time will tell. 

Æsbiorn is expected to make his choice known as part of NBC's first Wednesday Night Rivalry broadcast of the season, brought to you by GEICO.

4) Who?

While most Sens fans are undoubtedly pumped to see the likes of EK65, BFnR and ... Hoffy(?), this year's camp will feature the likes of Tom Pyatt and Mike Blunden making their debuts in Sens sweaters along with AHL additions from last year like Phil Varone and Ryan Rupert. And don't forget defencemen Macoy Erkamps, who is too a person that exists, and Patrick Sieloff, who will be easy to spot since he'll be wearing the weight of Jason Spezza's legacy on his back!

Granted, none of these guys carry the pedigree of Eric O'Dell, but at least when these guys lead the Belleville Senators on an improbable run to the Calder Cup you can say you saw them way back in the fall of '16!

Well that's that, Senators fans. Happy camping!

bRian's bOdycheckz 2016/2017 Season Promo

This year, Bonksmullet gave me a bigger budget to make some wicked videos. I even hired my own liquor man. Thank you Bonk....I never say this enough but I love you.

Stay tuned for more Bodycheckz, THE HARD HITTING SHOW THAT BRINGS YOU ALL YOUR SENS NEEDS

BREAKING: The Senators Hometown Tour Scandal

by Capital Gains

The Sens Hometown Tour was advertised to "give fans the chance to meet Senators players, participate in interactive games, win tickets to Senators home games, win prizes and more!" However, the real intention behind the tour was mistakenly revealed this afternoon.

In the past, many great accounts have fallen victim to Twitter's user experience, as it can be very difficult to differentiate between tweeting and direct messaging. It happened again earlier today—this time with the official Twitter account of the Ottawa Senators. Several tweets were sent out that seemed to be intended as direct messages to many of team's executives. The tweets have since been deleted, but luckily for you, we were able to grab screenshots of them.

Please note that we blurred the faces of the photo subjects in order to protect their identities.

The Evidence

As the pictures show, the Hometown Tour was nothing more than a scouting trip for the Ottawa Senators. Even the players were in on it, wearing hidden cameras and peppering the fans with multiple questions similar to those you see potential draft picks having to answer like, "Where are you from?", "Do you know what it means to play the game the right way?", "Define hockey culture", and "But seriously, are you from Ottawa?"

Keeping It Local

These leaked tweets confirm the ongoing rumours surrounding the Ottawa Senators and their preference for local talent. In some instances, the Senators' evaluations didn't even consider the number of goals or assists a player had in the ball hockey game, instead focusing only on the intangibles.

This mentality rooting from management has clearly made its way down to the locker room, and was on display during Mark Borowiecki's successful summer run as a Whose Line Is It Anyway? cast member.

It Could Be You

At first glance, the Senators' obsession with local talent may seem like a horrible situation, but there are actually some big winners coming out of this, and The Results May Surprise You!

The first winner is you, the fans, sitting at home wondering if you will ever make it to the NHL. These tweets clearly reveal that if you were born or have resided in, near, or around the Ottawa area, you are on the Senators' radar. And for those of you who don't fit that criteria, the final tweet pictured below proves that even if you are potentially driving through the Nation’s Capital, the Senators have their eyes on you.

The second winner is the Ottawa Senators. Even with the tweets mistakenly sent out, from the Senators perspective, the 6-day tour was extremely successful. Inexpensive local talent full of heart. What more could you ask for?

BREAKING: LA Kings retroactively named 2016 Stanley Cup Champions

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)

The NHL handed out its awards Wednesday night in a ceremony that was even more cringe-inducing than usual (if you can believe that). The reason for the increased cringe factor was twofold: firstly, Drew Doughty was given his first Norris trophy. And secondly, in an unprecedented move, the NHL retroactively re-awarded the Stanley Cup.

Let's take a closer look at that first thing: Doughty, who began complaining that he was owed a Norris trophy while the 2015-16 season was still in its infancy, finally walked away with his hard won prize last night in Las Vegas. I was in the crowd, and Doughty's win was met with... well, mostly just indifference, honestly. Turns out, no one in Vegas really cares about this stuff. But most people did applaud. I think I even saw one PHWA member quietly mouth the words 'you're welcome'. I myself, however, was properly appalled. Why?

This past season, Erik Karlsson scored the most points by any defenceman in 20 years, and was also the first defenceman to lead the league in assists in 40 years. He didn't just prove that he was the best defenceman to play this season... he proved that he is one of the best defencemen to play EVER.

So what kind of season did Doughty have, you ask? I mean, in order to topple Karlsson, one would assume that he must have done something equally earth-shattering, no? Maybe he just plain got super defensive. Like, maybe he registered the most blocked shots in a season ever? Maybe he killed a penalty single-handedly while barefoot? Or maybe he tried to justify voting Drew Doughty for the Norris trophy?

No, Drew actually didn't do much this season.

His supporters consistently give two reasons why they voted for him: (1) on a good team, his +/- was pretty good. Like, he was on the ice ALOT while other players were doing good things. And (2) come on, the guy really wanted to win it! How can you say no to that face?!

Regardless, Doughty sauntered up there last night, collected his gift, and we in the crowd bravely continued acting like these awards have any merit at all. But that was when Gary Bettman stepped back to the mic and made a surprise announcement that broke our brains...

"Drew? Hold on there, slugger. Get back up here. Come on, big guy. We've got a little surprise for you."

As a puzzled Doughty returned to the stage, something else joined him. A large object was wheeled out, hidden beneath a black velvet cloth.

"Now, Drew... some of our friends in the PHWA have told me that you've been a little down in the dumps lately," Bettman continued. "We know this season didn't end the way you hoped, so we got together and arranged something special for you. On behalf of both the NHL and the PHWA, I am extremely proud to declare the Los Angeles Kings the 2016 Stanley Cup Champions!"

With a flourish, Bettman pulled back the black velvet cloth, revealing the gleaming Stanley Cup. This was met with... honestly, it was pretty much just indifference again (people in Vegas really do not care about hockey, I cannot stress this enough), but a few writers here and there erupted in jubilant applause as Doughty hoisted the Cup above his head. Beside me, one of them shouted "Good for you, big guy! I love you!"

I turned to him and asked "What in the Hell is going on right now?" Tears streaming down his face, he replied "You didn't see the little tyke's face when Pittsburgh won... lower lip all tremblin' like it was... I mean, what were we supposed to do? Let Drew be sad? Fat chance! YOU EARNED THIS, SPORT!"

The NHL Entry Draft takes place June 24th. Free agency begins on July 1st. The new season opens October 12th.

Drew Doughty's campaign to win the 2017 Norris trophy starts NOW.

Sens Right Now 003 - 2016 Draft Preview Special

by Mike Wheeler (@TheMikeWheeler)

How the Sens can have the PERFECT summer

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)

NOTE: This article is sponsored by the biggest film of the summer, "SUICIDE SQUAD", in theaters nationwide August 5th

Another long NHL season is finally over, and another spoiled franchise that everybody hates has again captured hockey's ultimate prize. Yuck. 

But this is meant to be a happy article, so force that surge of vomit back down your throat and let's look on the bright side: the offseason is officially here! And between the Senators getting a new coach, losing an old defenseman, and Erik Karlsson randomly just flaunting his ripped bod, lots has already happened. But what else should happen? How can the Senators turn this summer into the BEST. SUMMER. EVER?? 

As usual, I have all the answers:

MIKE HOFFMAN GETS SIGNED LONG TERM

At this point, I think everyone but Dave Cameron understands that Mike Hoffman is one of the NHL's elite goal-scorers, regardless of which metric you use. Hoffman is currently a restricted free agent, and after playing through the 2015-16 season on a measly $2M contract that was awarded by an arbitrator, you can bet that Hoffman will be looking to cash in. So if the Senators truly want to have the most radical summer in franchise history, they're going to have to pay the price, no matter how steep.

@Gerv_Rebrand

ALEX CHIASSON IS TRADED... TO THE DAMN SUN!!1!

Oh, you thought this was going to be a serious article?? 

PRANKED YA

NOTE: This seriously deranged joke has been brought to you in the style of Jared Leto's Joker. See him in action on August 5th in "SUICIDE SQUAD" #itsgoodtobebad #darkcarnivalofsouls

For real though, Alex Chiasson is probably a good guy, but he is worse at hockey than everyone else on the team so please get rid of him if at all possible. Thank you. 

@Gerv_Rebrand

CURTIS LAZAR CATCHES THE ICE CREAM TRUCK ON HIS BICYCLE

After years of trying and routinely coming up short, Curtis Lazar can have the most bodacious summer of his life by getting on his brand new bike and pedaling his little heart out the moment he hears that creepy jingle coming down his street. Nothing would make him feel more accomplished going into next year than securing a nice cold fudgesicle on sweltering day, or perhaps one of those baseball gloves where the baseball itself is actually a little gumball embedded in the popsicle. Do they still make those? I don't know, but I know who can find out: my friend Curti (that is not a typo, that is his nickname).

@Gerv_Rebrand

CRAIG ANDERSON FINALLY REMEMBERS TO PUT SUNSCREEN ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD AND DOESN'T GET A VERY BAD SUNBURN ON HIS SCALP FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

Craig Anderson, infamous for being injury-prone, can reverse that reputation and have the most tubular summer on record by simply rubbin' some sunscreen on his dome. For once, don't come to camp with a bunch of blisters and peeling skin up there, Craig! Lather that bad boy up or simply throw a hat on, my man! YOU CAN DO THIS!!

CHRIS WIDEMAN ISN'T MISTAKEN FOR THE GUY WHO PLAYS JARED ON HBO'S SILICON VALLEY

Because it would really suck for Chris if he was.

MIKE KOSTKA IS MISTAKEN FOR CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Because that would be really dope for Mike if he was.

THE WHOLE SENATORS ORGANIZATION GOES TO SEE SUICIDE SQUAD IN THEATERS ON AUGUST 5TH

NOTE: I have been compensated handsomely by the creators of "SUICIDE SQUAD"

Sens Right Now 002 - World Championships

by Mike Wheeler (@TheMikeWheeler)

bRian's Bodycheckz #3 Welcome Bruce Boudreau!

I'd like to personally welcome Bruce Boudreau to the Ottawa Senators with my wicked video

Sens Right Now 001 - New Coaches

by Mike Wheeler (@TheMikeWheeler)

Meet the next coach of the Ottawa Senators

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)

NEWS FLASH: the Ottawa Senators sucked bad this year. How bad? Well, they were fifth-worst overall in terms of goals allowed. They also had the fifth-worst power play. They were fourth-worst in terms of shots per game, and also had the second-worst penalty kill. Oh, right... and they were the ABSOLUTE-WORST in shots against per game. So, all things considered: yeah. They sucked.

But whose fault was it? Was it GM Bryan Murray's fault: the man who traded away both Jason Spezza and Ben Bishop for practically nothing? Was it coach Dave Cameron's fault: the man who played Mark Borowiecki as a forward while benching the team's top goal-scorer? Or was it, perhaps, Matt O'Connor's fault: the man who literally ruined our whole season just as it began.

Well, regardless of whose fault it truly was, a couple of people have already paid the price. In a totally-not-smoke-and-mirrors move, Murray "stepped down" as GM (despite Eugene Melnyk later saying that Murray would have the authority to 'correct' his successor, Pierre Dorion). Cameron was also fired, allegedly to be replaced with the best coach money could buy (despite Melnyk later saying that he wasn't willing to spend much and that coaches don't really matter). So Ottawa's troubles are over, right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

Alright, let's just pretend for a second that getting a new coach could actually fix this nightmare. Who's available? What have they accomplished? And how likely is it that they'll get the job? Well, the next coach of the Ottawa Senators is probably listed below... can YOU pick them out??

DANIEL ALFREDSSON

Pros: Alfredsson is the greatest player to have ever worn a Senators jersey. Throughout his career, he routinely showed that he was a natural teacher, and he enjoys a strong relationship with Ottawa's current players. Since his retirement, Alfredsson has been making calculated moves, and a stint as head coach could be a natural next step.

Cons: Alfredsson doesn't actually have any coaching experience, let alone at the NHL level. If the Senators truly want to put a stop to the revolving door of coaches, they'd be better served to go with a more experienced candidate.

Likelihood: Pretty good. I mean, I can't imagine a scenario where Melnyk drives Alfredsson out of town by offering him too little money...

MARC CRAWFORD

Pros: Crawford has coached for parts of 15 NHL seasons. He won the both the Jack Adams and its AHL equivalent. He also won a Stanley Cup.

Cons: Crawford committed one of the worst hockey blunders of all time: he didn't use Wayne Gretzky in the shootout in Nagano. And there was also that Steve Moore stuff...

Likelihood: Also pretty good. Crawford has been coaching in Switzerland for the past few years and is probably pretty desperate to get back to the big show. All Melynk would have to do is pay more than they do in the Swiss National League and... oh. Shoot.

BOUSE BOUDREAU

Pros: Boudreau is a pretty good coach. So good, in fact, that he's actually currently employed. Boudreau reached 200 career wins faster than any other coach in modern history, and also currently holds the third-highest winning percentage in NHL history (among coaches with at least 100 games of experience).

Cons: Last time Boudreau got fired, someone else snapped him up in just two days, so if he actually does get fired again, competition will probably be fierce. And when there's competition, prices, like... go up. Or something (I did not do well in economics class).

Likelihood: Zero. Melnyk is not going to pay for a coach of this caliber.

KEN HITCHCOCK

Pros: Having coached for parts of 19 NHL seasons, Ken Hitchcock has more experience than anyone else on this list. He's also won the Jack Adams and a Stanley Cup. He is currently coaching the St. Louis Blues, but should they suffer their fouth-straight first-round exit this spring, expect to see him hit the market.

Cons: Hitchcock likes his teams to play a very 'safe' game, and may be more comfortable coaching a defenceman who is content to just hunker down in his own zone and blindly slap the puck outta there. Does LA have an opening?

Likelihood: This is where I reiterate that Melnyk is cheap.

MIKE YO

Pros: I honestly didn't know who this was, but I overheard his name so much that I felt obligated to include him. So, a quick search told me that Mike Yo is a Russian rapper. I'm not really sure how people think this qualifies him to be an NHL coach, but I am sure that his debut album, "Rap for honor very strong Putin", was TURNT.

Cons: His sophomore album, "Rap only between man and woman", was significantly less TURNT...

Likelihood: Come on, folks... Melnyk is not going to pay big, golden belt money.

FATHER MULDOON

Pros: Made all Ottawa Senators lineup decisions for the past two years.

Cons: Those decisions were very bad.

Likelihood: I can only assume that he and Melnyk are on very bad terms these days, so this one seems unlikely.

GENE JUNIOR

Pros: Melnyk's prized horse. Possesses all the qualities that the Senators organization treasures:
- big, strong, local boy
- gritty, hard worker
- knows about being reined in
- will work for peanuts. Well... hay, technically.

Cons: Someone still has to buy the hay, dammit!!

Likelihood: HIGH. I, for one, welcome our new horse overlord. I mean, why go crazy in the business of hockey? I don't think a coach can make that much of a difference. I really don't.

Application for Speechwriter Position with Senators Sports and Entertainment

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)

You know, being a blogger has opened the door to many fantastic and unique opportunities for me. These include:

- Being yelled at by strangers who don't understand my jokes

- Watching other bloggers who I barely know play hockey against one another

- Getting invited to appear on Advanced Chats

And now, the greatest opportunity of all: the opportunity to escape my hellish existence! That's right, folks: I am hereby formally applying for the non-existent position of Speechwriter with Senators Sports and Entertainment! So if you were expecting an article, or if your name's not Eugene Melnyk, SCRAM!! 

Alright, Eugene, it's just you and me now. Look, I know things are real crazy within the Senators organization right now. I get it. I feel you, man. But your appearance on the radio yesterday was... well... it was a piece of shit. I don't know how else to describe it. And I know there's no Speechwriter position being offered with Senators Sports and Entertainment, but what I'm saying is... maybe there should be? 

Here, let me just tell you a little bit about me and then I'll go over yesterday's interview and show you what a big difference I can make. Sound good? Let's do it.

NOTE TO EDITOR: Eric, can we please get this picture removed?? I added it by mistake while I was playing around with the tools and I can't figure out how to remove it! Also, I'm going to need a graphics guy to photoshop my head onto a really buff fireman. It has to look REAL my future is on the line here!!

Alright, so... God, I'm so nervous... hello, Mr. Melnyk. My name is Rob. I'm a writer. I work for a site called bonksmullet.com. You've never heard of it? Well, that's... that's probably for the best, actually. As you can see from the above photo I'm also a very strong fireman and I could easily beat up Dr. Phil, who is scum. But enough about me. Let's break down some of the comments you made yesterday and see if we can't make things a little more palatable. Here we go...

On choosing Pierre Dorion as Bryan Murray's successor:

"He understood the culture within Ottawa. He understood the culture of the organization. And to bring somebody in the from the outside, the real outside, is... you know, not going to be easy."

Alright, this isn't too bad, Mr. Melnyk. But see, what you have to understand is that your hockey team has been bad for a really long time, and there really isn't any reason for fans to think it's going to get a whole lot better any time soon. So when these fans (who you are reliant on in order to keep your team afloat) demand change, they don't really want to hear that you just do whatever is easiest. Instead, you should probably have said something like:

"We looked very closely at a couple of options, but at the end of the day, we felt that, given his familiarity with this organization, Pierre would be in the best position to get this team to where it needs to be in the shortest amount of time."

Okay, moving on. On bringing in a consultant to evaluate the organization from top to bottom:

"That's the problem with consultants. They'll give you all the advice in the world... some of it sounds good, the reports will be pretty... and Bryan will scribble down on the back of a napkin next year's lineup. Here you'll get a pretty report for $200,000."

Remember when I was all like 'hey the fans don't really like to hear that you're just doing whatever is easiest'? Well, they also don't like to hear that you're just doing whatever's cheapest. Why is something automatically bad because it costs money? Why is it automatically good if it is cheap/free? Here's what you should have said:

"We seriously consider every option that might help our team, but we have a good deal of confidence in our senior management and their ability to assess and develop talent. It's definitely not a money thing. I'm telling the truth this time, please believe me."

On whether they would hire a coach with a five million dollar salary:

"Does he walk on water? ... To put that kind of money out for one single person, you know, that's tough from even a management point of view. You wouldn't do that with an executive. Why go crazy in the business of hockey? I don't think it can make that much of a difference. I really don't."

Mr. Melnyk... Euge? Can I call you Euge? Why would you say anything at all about this? Pierre Dorion handled it perfectly in his press conference when he said that you'd assured him that he would have the resources to hire the best coach available. I mean, obviously he was lying through his teeth (deep down I think we all knew that) but so what? What kind of message does this statement send to a prospective coach? Can you not see how your devaluing of the coaching position directly correlates to the constant hiring and firing of coaches we've seen in this last decade? Honestly, why were you on the radio at all today? Who let you do that? I don't want to reach beyond the bounds of my role as make-believe Speechwriter here but... I just wouldn't let you talk anymore. Like, ever.

On spending money or something:

"There is going to be a magic moment, let me tell you that. We're going to have to step up and do something... almost be silly. But when you're right on the brink of having a Stanley Cup team, that's when you whack 'em!"

Oh my God, what?? This is what you should be saying:

"I understand that talent is what wins championships, and in order to procure players with more talent, you have to pay more money. Obviously, you do NOT get to the brink of having a Stanley Cup team by refusing to pay anyone what they're worth. I am a grown man and I should not believe in magic at this point in my life."

On whether he is a fan of Erik Karlsson:

" ...... "

What the FUCK, Euge? You were set up for a slam dunk on this one! You know what? Here's what you should have said...

"Erik Karlsson is the Captain of our team and the best defenceman this league has seen in a generation. And while our new GM will have an opportunity to evaluate him, I feel it is very likely that Erik will be an Ottawa Senator for many years to come. I must go now. I have been struck by the sudden realization that I need to sell this team as soon as possible. I have done a terrible disservice to thousands upon thousands of fans. I have prevented this team from being competitive. I have sown misery and despair at every turn. I have become seduced by celebrity. But no longer! I leave you today, the biggest Erik Karlsson fan on the face of the Earth!"

Thank you for your consideration. Please note: I cannot work evenings, weekends (including Fridays), or on any religious holidays (all religions).

Panthers vs Senators Game Recap

by Mike Wheeler (@TheMikeWheeler)

First Period

I actually missed the entire first period because I was out at Milestones celebrating my friend Kagami's birthday. We all shared a spinach dip for an appetizer and it was pretty good. For my main, I got a new item on the menu: Steak Frites. Despite the adequately descriptive name, I was still somewhat surprised when a plate full of steak and french fries was placed in front of me. The steak was properly cooked and there was some kind of truffle oil jus along with it that was quite nice. All in all, had some good food and some great times.

Anyway, apparently Zibanejad scored but then he didn't but then he did.

Second Period

16:17 - This is the point in the game at which I started watching. And by watching, I mean having the game on while reading Twitter.

15:35 - TSN has a graphic up comparing Karlsson to Bobby Orr. Not even kidding.

14:11 - Luongo looking strong here in the second period. Makes a couple big saves on Zibanejad preventing his third and fourth goals of the night.

13:56 - Apparently it's not Luongo in net. It's someone else.

9:48 - Buddy Robinson scores his first NHL goal by tipping Ceci's point shot past Luongo thereby joining an elite club of NHL goalscorers named Buddy.

5:47 - Commercial break.

4:34 - I spent the rest of the period searching for gifs from the new Rogue One teaser trailer.

Third Period

19:37 - Jagr rips one past Anderson. Fortunately for the Senators, this took place between plays. Vintage Jagr!

15:11 - Jagr does some stuff and then a non-Jagr Florida Panther scores a goal. Craig Anderson's dream of a shutout has been shattered.

12:07 - So here's a question: what's up with all the colour variation in the stormtrooper armour in the Rogue One teaser? This takes place immediately before Episode IV where all the stormtroopers are identical and have white armour.

9:54 - Luongo still looking great. Makes another big save, this time stopping Karlsson.

5:46 - Ceci has his revenge and scores a goal that was in no way interfered with by known goal-hog Buddy Robinson.

2:34 - Now that I think of it, I guess some of the Imperial pilots had black armour in A New Hope. I don't think that accounts for the wide spectrum of troopers we see in the Rogue One teaser though.

0:00 - Grand total of zero goals scored during the Big Mac Minute. Everyone goes home with empty stomachs and empty hearts.

Another disappointing win from the Senators as they inch further and further away from a top draft pick.

Three Stars

First Star: Buddard "Buddy" Robinson
Second Star: Roberto Luongo
Third Star: You, the fans!

Hardest working Sen: Mark Borowiecki

Make the final score Florida 1 - Ottawa 3. I have no idea what the shots were.

Weird, right?