by Joe Boughner (@McLlwainsWorld)
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| It's weird that they're still using notebooks with the SNES logo but pictures on the internet never lie. |
Documents uncovered by the Bonk's Mullet Research Division show the Ottawa Senators have drafted a top secret "nuclear option" for franchise success should the team fail to go on a lengthy playoff run in 2016-17.
The plan would see the Ottawa Senators petition the NHL for expansion team status, despite celebrating their 25th anniversary this season - a move the plan's authors admit is "alarmingly lacking in precedent."
"Based on the success of Ottawa's professional football and baseball expansion teams, we believe reverting to expansion status is the fastest way to get into the Stanley Cup Final," the plan states.
The Ottawa Champions earned a berth in the Can-Am baseball league's final series this week in the franchise's second year of existence. This follows a Grey Cup appearance by the CFL's Ottawa REDBLACKS in their second season last year.
The Ottawa Senators made their only Stanley Cup Final appearance nearly a decade ago and have missed the playoffs entirely twice in the last three years.
The plans included some tidbits about who the team planned on drafting, were an expansion draft to be approved.
"Of course we'd pick Erik Karlsson first overall. What type of moronic team would give up their charismatic, offensively skilled, Norris-winning defenceman?"
The plan's authors highlighted several risks in the plan, though, including uncertainty about how a franchise with 45 players currently under contract could participate in an expansion draft and concerns about the $500 million expansion fee.
"In our interview with Mr. Melnyk, he was optimistic the funds could be raised" the report says. "When pressed for details he said 'we're due to break and renegotiate our arena naming rights again, aren't we? What's that Tesla guy up to?'"
"When asked about merchandising revenue associated with a new logo and sweater, though, Mr. Melnyk was dismissive, muttering something unintelligible about just springing for new banners."