BREAKING: LA Kings retroactively named 2016 Stanley Cup Champions

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)

The NHL handed out its awards Wednesday night in a ceremony that was even more cringe-inducing than usual (if you can believe that). The reason for the increased cringe factor was twofold: firstly, Drew Doughty was given his first Norris trophy. And secondly, in an unprecedented move, the NHL retroactively re-awarded the Stanley Cup.

Let's take a closer look at that first thing: Doughty, who began complaining that he was owed a Norris trophy while the 2015-16 season was still in its infancy, finally walked away with his hard won prize last night in Las Vegas. I was in the crowd, and Doughty's win was met with... well, mostly just indifference, honestly. Turns out, no one in Vegas really cares about this stuff. But most people did applaud. I think I even saw one PHWA member quietly mouth the words 'you're welcome'. I myself, however, was properly appalled. Why?

This past season, Erik Karlsson scored the most points by any defenceman in 20 years, and was also the first defenceman to lead the league in assists in 40 years. He didn't just prove that he was the best defenceman to play this season... he proved that he is one of the best defencemen to play EVER.

So what kind of season did Doughty have, you ask? I mean, in order to topple Karlsson, one would assume that he must have done something equally earth-shattering, no? Maybe he just plain got super defensive. Like, maybe he registered the most blocked shots in a season ever? Maybe he killed a penalty single-handedly while barefoot? Or maybe he tried to justify voting Drew Doughty for the Norris trophy?

No, Drew actually didn't do much this season.

His supporters consistently give two reasons why they voted for him: (1) on a good team, his +/- was pretty good. Like, he was on the ice ALOT while other players were doing good things. And (2) come on, the guy really wanted to win it! How can you say no to that face?!

Regardless, Doughty sauntered up there last night, collected his gift, and we in the crowd bravely continued acting like these awards have any merit at all. But that was when Gary Bettman stepped back to the mic and made a surprise announcement that broke our brains...

"Drew? Hold on there, slugger. Get back up here. Come on, big guy. We've got a little surprise for you."

As a puzzled Doughty returned to the stage, something else joined him. A large object was wheeled out, hidden beneath a black velvet cloth.

"Now, Drew... some of our friends in the PHWA have told me that you've been a little down in the dumps lately," Bettman continued. "We know this season didn't end the way you hoped, so we got together and arranged something special for you. On behalf of both the NHL and the PHWA, I am extremely proud to declare the Los Angeles Kings the 2016 Stanley Cup Champions!"

With a flourish, Bettman pulled back the black velvet cloth, revealing the gleaming Stanley Cup. This was met with... honestly, it was pretty much just indifference again (people in Vegas really do not care about hockey, I cannot stress this enough), but a few writers here and there erupted in jubilant applause as Doughty hoisted the Cup above his head. Beside me, one of them shouted "Good for you, big guy! I love you!"

I turned to him and asked "What in the Hell is going on right now?" Tears streaming down his face, he replied "You didn't see the little tyke's face when Pittsburgh won... lower lip all tremblin' like it was... I mean, what were we supposed to do? Let Drew be sad? Fat chance! YOU EARNED THIS, SPORT!"

The NHL Entry Draft takes place June 24th. Free agency begins on July 1st. The new season opens October 12th.

Drew Doughty's campaign to win the 2017 Norris trophy starts NOW.

Sens Right Now 003 - 2016 Draft Preview Special

by Mike Wheeler (@TheMikeWheeler)

How the Sens can have the PERFECT summer

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)

NOTE: This article is sponsored by the biggest film of the summer, "SUICIDE SQUAD", in theaters nationwide August 5th

Another long NHL season is finally over, and another spoiled franchise that everybody hates has again captured hockey's ultimate prize. Yuck. 

But this is meant to be a happy article, so force that surge of vomit back down your throat and let's look on the bright side: the offseason is officially here! And between the Senators getting a new coach, losing an old defenseman, and Erik Karlsson randomly just flaunting his ripped bod, lots has already happened. But what else should happen? How can the Senators turn this summer into the BEST. SUMMER. EVER?? 

As usual, I have all the answers:

MIKE HOFFMAN GETS SIGNED LONG TERM

At this point, I think everyone but Dave Cameron understands that Mike Hoffman is one of the NHL's elite goal-scorers, regardless of which metric you use. Hoffman is currently a restricted free agent, and after playing through the 2015-16 season on a measly $2M contract that was awarded by an arbitrator, you can bet that Hoffman will be looking to cash in. So if the Senators truly want to have the most radical summer in franchise history, they're going to have to pay the price, no matter how steep.

@Gerv_Rebrand

ALEX CHIASSON IS TRADED... TO THE DAMN SUN!!1!

Oh, you thought this was going to be a serious article?? 

PRANKED YA

NOTE: This seriously deranged joke has been brought to you in the style of Jared Leto's Joker. See him in action on August 5th in "SUICIDE SQUAD" #itsgoodtobebad #darkcarnivalofsouls

For real though, Alex Chiasson is probably a good guy, but he is worse at hockey than everyone else on the team so please get rid of him if at all possible. Thank you. 

@Gerv_Rebrand

CURTIS LAZAR CATCHES THE ICE CREAM TRUCK ON HIS BICYCLE

After years of trying and routinely coming up short, Curtis Lazar can have the most bodacious summer of his life by getting on his brand new bike and pedaling his little heart out the moment he hears that creepy jingle coming down his street. Nothing would make him feel more accomplished going into next year than securing a nice cold fudgesicle on sweltering day, or perhaps one of those baseball gloves where the baseball itself is actually a little gumball embedded in the popsicle. Do they still make those? I don't know, but I know who can find out: my friend Curti (that is not a typo, that is his nickname).

@Gerv_Rebrand

CRAIG ANDERSON FINALLY REMEMBERS TO PUT SUNSCREEN ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD AND DOESN'T GET A VERY BAD SUNBURN ON HIS SCALP FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

Craig Anderson, infamous for being injury-prone, can reverse that reputation and have the most tubular summer on record by simply rubbin' some sunscreen on his dome. For once, don't come to camp with a bunch of blisters and peeling skin up there, Craig! Lather that bad boy up or simply throw a hat on, my man! YOU CAN DO THIS!!

CHRIS WIDEMAN ISN'T MISTAKEN FOR THE GUY WHO PLAYS JARED ON HBO'S SILICON VALLEY

Because it would really suck for Chris if he was.

MIKE KOSTKA IS MISTAKEN FOR CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Because that would be really dope for Mike if he was.

THE WHOLE SENATORS ORGANIZATION GOES TO SEE SUICIDE SQUAD IN THEATERS ON AUGUST 5TH

NOTE: I have been compensated handsomely by the creators of "SUICIDE SQUAD"