Senators desperate to emulate success of rival Maple Leafs

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)

For a very long time, the Toronto Maple Leafs have been the laughing stock of the NHL. But no more. At least that's the message that's being passed down to their players. Since last season, the Maple Leafs have hired a new president, a new coach, and a new general manager. But it's another, even more important change they've made that has their rivals scrambling to emulate them...

"It's the hair," Senators GM Bryan Murray admitted this week. "The hair is very definitely the key."

Murray is, of course, referring to the new directive that Maple Leafs GM Lou Lamoriello has issued, which calls for all players to sport identical, close-cropped haircuts and clean-shaven faces. Lamoriello believes that this, 'more professional' aesthetic will foster a stronger sense of team togetherness.

"You can't argue with their results," Murray continued. "They beat us twice in one day, and if you listen to their fans, that's enough to confirm that they'll be winning the Cup this year. It's frustrating, of course. Me and 28 other gentlemen have been focusing on improving our teams on the ice... drafting well, making smart trades, signing our players to fair contracts... turns out that was all a waste of time."

In an effort to keep pace with their provincial rivals, the Senators announced that they too will be demanding complete control of each player's appearance. They will do this by deploying a team of 'professionalism' consultants: a no-nonsense, old school group that will help their players work on the things that truly result in better hockey, such as...

"Matching haircuts," one of the consultants shouted, when reached for comment. "That feller in Toronto is right! Hockey players should to go out every night lookin' like a pack of Jimmy Stewarts! Ain't nothin' more professional than that! You seen the young hooligan they got in nets right now? A bald head?? What does he think he is, a pirate??"

Craig Anderson will be sporting a distinctly less pirate-y look this season (@Capital_Gains65)

But the consultants are not stopping there.

"No more smiling," another added. "This isn't some fun-time-hippie concert! These boys ought to look like they're going out there to give you a nice, firm handshake and sell you on a reasonably-priced retirement package!!"

     Dissenters will be MADE to comply (@Capital_Gains65)

"And that Karlsson feller's gotta get rid of his danged tattoos," one of the consultants screamed (far louder than was necessary). "He's captain of a hockey club, not a motorcycle club! What's that show the kids are watching... The Anarchy Boys? Not a professional in the bunch!!"

@Gerv_Rebrand reports that Erik is progressing as expected following 'professionalization' surgery

So, there are some big changes on the horizon for the Ottawa Senators organization. And while we don't yet know if this will translate into success on the ice, this much is certain: in 2015, it is definitely okay for employers to suppress individualism and to assume that one's appearance is indicative of their value.