Senators desperate to emulate success of rival Maple Leafs

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)

For a very long time, the Toronto Maple Leafs have been the laughing stock of the NHL. But no more. At least that's the message that's being passed down to their players. Since last season, the Maple Leafs have hired a new president, a new coach, and a new general manager. But it's another, even more important change they've made that has their rivals scrambling to emulate them...

BREAKING: NHL pondering a pivot; not being "tone deaf shitbags"

by Joe Boughner (@McLlwainsWorld)

Documents uncovered by the RBM research crew show that senior brass within NHL headquarters are considering a drastic change of position on domestic and sexual violence issues in the NHL community.

"Guys, I'm starting to think we've been a bunch of tone deaf shitbags on this issue," an anonymous hockey operations official wrote in a leaked email. "Seriously, bags full of shit."

Sens Friends! #002

by Mike Wheeler

It's time to sit back, relax, make yourself comfortable, grab a drink, check your texts, pet your cat, find your keys, eat some chocolate chips straight out the bag, and get ready to laugh!

Because here's a comic!

Cowen 'ready' for the most important season of his career

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)

This past week saw training camp begin for Ottawa Senators players, and while most returned with fond memories of the 2014-2015 season, some arrived hoping to forget it entirely. Among those in the latter group is Jared Cowen, a first-round draft pick who was expected to be a dominant force on the Senators blueline. Unfortunately, the towering defenseman hasn't yet lived up to expectations, causing some to speculate that this upcoming season could end up being his last in the NHL. I caught up with Cowen (and his beautiful, new man bun) to ask what he is doing to prepare for the most important season of his career.

Organization with low self-esteem welcomes back man who abandoned them

by Mike Wheeler (@TheMikeWheeler)

The Ottawa Senators held a press conference Friday to announce the hiring of former Senator and Red Wing forward Daniel Alfredsson as senior advisor of hockey operations, despite the fact that he walked out on them a mere two years ago and who knows if he'll do it again.

"You can't blame him for leaving to try find a better team. I mean look at how we were back then," explained General Manager Bryan Murray. "We were just dirt. We were worse than dirt, we were nothing. It's not his fault. It's just up to us now to not mess it up again and I'm positive he'll stay this time."

"He has to."

EXCLUSIVE: Stan Neckar "getting a little tired" of waiting on the Sens

He played two games in that playoff run.
Two games.

by Joe Boughner (@McLlwainsWorld)

CESKE BUDEJOVICE, CZECH REPUBLIC: Former Ottawa Senators defenceman Stan "The Man" Neckar admitted that he's just about done waiting for his former club to call him about the vacancies in their hockey operations department.

"I'm getting a little tired of sitting by the phone," sighed the 2004 Stanley Cup champion defender as he stirred a lump of sugar into his tea. "I guess I just thought the call would've come by now."

REVIEW: EA Sports' NHL 16

by Rob Poirier (@RobFeature)

Today is a day that many hockey fans circle on their calendars each year. It is one of the sure signs that a new season is just on the horizon. That's right: today, EA Sports released another "just-different-enough-that-they-can-charge-for-it" entry in their popular NHL series of video games! And because I care so much about you all, I lined up at midnight to get my hands on a copy, just so you would know exactly what to expect! Read on for my comprehensive analysis of each game mode!

Phillips: "I'm feeling better every day, please stop trying to retire my number."

by Mike Wheeler (@TheMikeWheeler)

While most of the Ottawa Senators prepare for training camp, veteran defenceman Chris Phillips is forced to watch from the sidelines. "It's pretty tough, you know? You just want to get back out there and get ready for the season with the rest of the guys. But I'm getting closer every day and I'm really looking forward to contributing this year. So I really wish everyone would stop talking about retiring my number."

Lazar "named" assistant captain in emotional, awkward lakeside ceremony

by Joe Boughner

The leadership core of the Ottawa Senators took an unexpected youthful turn yesterday, in a hastily-assembled lakeside ceremony.

"Laser Beam, get over here," long-standing assistant captain and de facto father figure Chris Phillips called out from the end of the dock at his cottage. "I've got something for you."

Curtis Lazar, the Senators' latest superstar in waiting, pulled himself out of a rubber dingy and sidled over to his adopted dad, who was waiting with a crudely-cut-out letter A made of red electrical tape.

The normally reserved Lazar was all smiles
after his promotion.

"Uh Chris? This is a bit weird, man," Lazar replied as Phillips repeatedly tried to stick the tape letter to Lazar's wet chest.

"Look Laser, I'm not going to be around for awhile. I want you to wear this."

Sens Friends! #001

by Mike Wheeler

Hey folks! I'm very proud to introduce this super-exciting, critically unacclaimed weekly (?) Sens webcomic series. It's called Sens Friends, and it's about how the Sens are friends. Enjoy!

Ranking the Autographs of the Ottawa Senators

By Kevin Lee

We here at Bonk's Mullet always strive to bring you the most relevant and in depth news when it comes to the Ottawa Senators. Other blogs bring you the same old boring stats when it comes to analyzing the roster. We decided to analyze a completely missed stat, their autographs. Handwriting tells you a lot about a player and we've ranked the entire roster from worst to best.

Bloggers Wanted: Please Write For Our Dumb Website

by Bonk's Mullet

Hey folks! Hope you've had a great summer.

I'll be honest with you. After the loss of David Legwand, we considered shutting this site down altogether. Why even follow a Legwand-less Senators squad? I'm still searching for answers.

Anyway, if you're still into the Sens, it's likely that BonksMullet.com is your home page. We're still working on an app that makes our site the wallpaper of your phone, but for now you'll have to keep taking screenshots and updating your wallpaper with each new post. I apologize for the inconvenience.

While we're developing that, we thought we'd put out a call for new writers. Many of our staff have moved on to other worthy ventures such as new careers, attending university, or free-form jazz slam poetry. With that in mind, I'd like to put out an open call for new writers for our site.

Inspired by Andrew Hammond, Leafs’ Bernier Set to Debut New Mask

By Rob Poirier

Ever since Jacques Plante first slipped on his iconic mask in 1959, the headwear of NHL goalies has been a topic of much debate. Over the years, critics have described these colorful designs as everything from glorious to garish (Cam Ward’s Nickelback tribute mask comes to mind), but there is one thing that most agree on: a proper goalie mask gives fans a glimpse into the psyche of the goalie himself.

Goaltenders often bear this in mind when having their masks painted, and choose to immortalize those who have helped them to get where they are. This can be a family member, a favorite athlete, or simply a person who embodies sought-after qualities, such as perseverance and bravery. Such is the case in Ottawa, where Senators goaltender Andrew Hammond will honor local hero, "butterfly child" Jonathan Pitre with a subtle butterfly design this season.

Meanwhile, just down the 401, Maple Leafs goaltender Jonathan Bernier is preparing to honour a hero of his own, with a brand new mask that will showcase the men that inspired him to get into the game of hockey.

Definitely real image provided by @Capital_Gains65