10 Gifts from the Sens Store (for People You Hate)

By Luke Peristy

If you're not Kevin Lee, you may be astonished at the amount of NHL merchandise available to you. Not content to stick to jerseys and sticks, the Ottawa Senators have gone ALL OUT with their merchandise to disastrous results. Come with me on a journey through the very Best of the Worst Sens Merchandise. 

The Week Ahead: Post-All Star Edition

by Joe Boughner and George Marshall

Hello sports fans and welcome to the new and improved weekly previews here at RBM. This week, the boys in black and red kick start their road to the playoffs golf course with the homecoming everyone's been waiting for as Antoine Vermette and the Desert Dogs land in Ottawa for a classic Saturday night matchup and oh yeah Spezza's back too.

On to the insights!

Last week's record

• 1-0-1 (henceforth known as "Going Full Dalmatian")

This week's matchups

• Thursday night vs. the Stars
• Saturday night vs. the Coyotes

Storylines to watch

The Stars are coming home

For the second time this season, the Sens welcome a former captain home. And while being an active member of an opposing team means that Spezza won't be taking the warmup with the Sens, you can expect some sort of video tribute. Sources also say that the players themselves will be honouring ol' Giggles by throwing some no-look drop passes and laughing their way through scrums.

Lost in the excitement, though, is the return of Ales Hemsky. To honour him, the Sens will waive Colin Greening and make an ill-advised trade. Probably.

And so are these guys. Maybe

The hottest ticket in town!

Interestingly, this could also be a homecoming week for less notable former Senators. Namely, Patrick Eaves (Dallas), Antoine Vermette (Phoenix) and Mike McKenna (Phoenix). Except Eaves is hurt, McKenna's just up from the minors after the Coyotes dealt Dubnyk to Minnesota and Vermette is on the trading block. A footnote of triviality for most; a nightmare for the guys that produce the tribute videos for the Canadian Tire Centre.

It was the push of times, it was the tank of times

According to the internets, Sens fans are on one of two teams right now: #TeamTank and #TeamAntiTank. And while conventional wisdom (as well as historical precedent and all but the most optimistic of analytics-based estimates) dictates that the Sens aren't going to be playing hockey in May, it may take a few more losses before the powers that be at the CTC are finally ready to write off the year. Should Ottawa's strong performances at home continue over two other teams that are in dogfight for CMcD, the Sens could find themselves in the unfortunate position of not being <ZoolanderVoice> ridiculously out of the playoff picture </ZoolanderVoice> a month before the trade deadline.

Parting shots

• Statline of the week: 37 FPPS (face palms per second - reached during the US anthem at the All-Star Game)
• Imagined Sun headline of the week: "Off to Greening-er pastures!" 
• What Sens fans will be complaining about on Twitter: Ottawa losing to Dallas after Spezza and Hemsky combine for ten points on the night.

LEAKED: Here's what an NHL All-Star invite looks like

by Joe Boughner and Bonk's Mullet

Dear Mr. Ryan,

Congratulations on being selected to play in the 2015 NHL All-Star Game. Finally, all-star calibre players are headed to Columbus!

The festivities kick off on Friday, January 23 with the Honda(R) All-Star Draft(TM), followed on Saturday, January 24 with the always-anticipated Honda(R) NHL(R) All-Star Skills Competition(TM) and wrapping up with the Honda(R) NHL(R) All(C)-Star(*) Game(TM).

All brought to you by KIA!

It's been a few years since we've done one of these and we've got a lot of first timers coming so we wanted to remind you all of a few of the rules. Just remember, the first rule is to have fun!

Comedy Sentral - Episode 3: The Brady Bunch

by Capital Gains

Episode 3 of Comedy Sentral is a parody to the hit 70's show, The Brady Bunch. Last week's episode can be seen here. For optimal viewing purposes, you should sing along with the theme song, but replace "Lady" with "Leggy". Also, feel free to add "in the pressbox" after hearing "Till the one day when the lady met this fellow".

(Here's the YouTube link for mobile users.)

WARNING: The following video contains an excessive amount of blinking.

Phillips: "I will help this team win by any means necessary"

by Mike Wheeler

Controversy fell upon the Ottawa Senators last month as new head coach Dave Cameron made the bold decision to scratch veteran defenceman Chris Phillips for the first time in his career. The spurned alternate-captain spoke with the media on Monday and was not afraid to make his thoughts known:

"It's hard sitting out and watching them play. I think it's only natural to want to get back on the ice because I'm here to support the team any way I can, but I know I can help them win. It's a weird feeling, but I know that if they lose, I might get a shot to get back in the lineup and help us win. If the team loses five in a row, even better, because I'll be able to come storming back and really help turn it around. I will do anything to help this team win, even if it means losing ten in a row."

Report: Noise Meter Repairs Hurting Sens Financially

by Steve On Sens

The Ottawa Senators are reporting losses due to the Noise Meter

OTTAWA - It is no secret that the Ottawa Senators are losing money these days. Despite making the playoffs in both 2012 and 2013, Eugene Melnyk has reported losses which has left many to speculate about his future involvement with the team. Facing the tough financial predicament, Melnyk has reportedly installed an internal salary cap which has been accused of leading to lackluster play on the ice.

At a press conference today, Senators President Cyril Leeder explained the real cause of the financial struggles.

"It’s the Noise Meter," Leeder explained. "We can’t afford to replace it after every game," stated the Senators President.

Comedy Sentral - Episode 2: Grizz

by Capital Gains

The second episode of Comedy Sentral is now out! If you missed the first episode or just want to watch it again, click here. This week's episode is a parody to the TV show Chuck.

(Here's the YouTube link for mobile users.)

Marc Methot is... The Arrow

by Kevin Lee

My name is Marc Methot. After half a season with a hellish injury, I have come home with only one goal, to save my city.

LEAKED: The players' guide to Sens road trips

by Joe Boughner

Most fans of the game, even casual ones, know some of the perks of travelling as an NHL player: five-star hotels, chartered flights, and cowboy boot shopping, to name just a few. But few fans know what it's really like on the road, especially since every team has their own goofy rituals and long-standing traditions.

In our continuing question to provide Sens fans with insider info, we did a little light hacking of email accounts poking around and we found the top secret, never before seen by the public Players' Guide to Ottawa Senators Road Trips.

Here are a few of the highlights:

• Attire: NHL tradition dictates that suits are to be worn any time a player is in the public eye. We recommend choosing from designers such as Gucci, Dolce & Gabbana or the new formal collection from Eric Gryba's Capital Waterfowling.
• Pranking: Generally speaking, some degree of pranking is expected on road trips. However, don't go over the top. Pranks should entertain, not injure. Nobody likes when someone misses the mark on a joke.
• Team Dinners: While teams typically enjoy high-end steakhouses or fine Italian dining, choosing such locations can be isolating and intimidating for younger players. Consider incorporating the occasional family restaurant into the mix for the rookies. 

As a rookie, Lazar has to finish at least seven more bites of his spaghetti
before he can go back to the ball pit

• Curfew: Road curfew is 11 pm. This curfew is strictly enforced and will be monitored by Chris Phillips, who is usually up for his second trip to the bathroom at that point anyway.
• Miscellaneous city-specific rules:
• New York City: Please refrain from hanging 10 feet behind Jared Cowen and yelling "Hey Jerry, where's Elaine?" when passing by a crowd of tourists.
• Detroit: As per ownership's new rule, anyone caught saying anything remotely complimentary about Detroit will immediately be sent to Binghamton.
• Winnipeg: Yes, you have to go to Winnipeg.
• Dallas: See Detroit.
• Anaheim / San Jose / Los Angeles: Out of respect for our fans, we have a team-wide Instagram ban for west coast road trips during the winter months. 

Comedy Sentral - Episode 1: Arrested Development

by Capital Gains

Happy New Year, everyone! To kick off 2015, we're bringing you the first installment of "Comedy Sentral." This will be an ongoing series, recreating TV show intros. The following is a parody to the Arrested Development intro.

(Here's the YouTube link for mobile users.)