Friday, January 30, 2015

10 Gifts from the Sens Store (for People You Hate)

By Luke Peristy


If you're not Kevin Lee, you may be astonished at the amount of NHL merchandise available to you. Not content to stick to jerseys and sticks, the Ottawa Senators have gone ALL OUT with their merchandise to disastrous results. Come with me on a journey through the very Best of the Worst Sens Merchandise. 




If there's one thing I know about memorabilia, it's that less practical is better. Available for the low, low price of "NAN" at the time of writing, The Ottawa Senators Ultimate Fan Hand is perfect for the Sens fan in your life who knows what they say about guys with big hands! "Not touching you!" you'll insist as you stick your giant finger oh-so-close to the face of the Leafs fan next to you! Looks great in the office of any medical professional who likes to keep his patients nervous for reasons they can't quite put a finger on! The possibilities are endless!




Few other alcohols run the gamut of trashy to classy like wine. Throw it in a plastic bag and put a spigot on it, and you've got both a classic night in a university residence and a water balloon that will stain your very soul. Put a wine bottle in a dusty cellar and leave it there for a century and you've got a status symbol for people with more money than God and less imagination than a goldfish accountant. Put wine in a ceramic shoe with the Sens logo on it and you achieve rare "tacky class" status, like cutting a Cuban cigar with a pair of safety scissors. The Ottawa Senators Shoe Wine Holder also pairs great with matching Christmas ornament. 




What jersey one likes is almost entirely a matter of personal taste. For instance, I find the SNES jerseys more hideous than Chris Neil on the powerplay. On the flip side, I've forever had a soft spot in my heart for the Senagoth jerseys that took conventional jersey aesthetics and ignored them entirely.

The point is that we're all individuals with individual tastes that reflect how we want to present ourselves. If you're wearing a current regular jersey, it means you like the Ottawa Senators. If you have a SNES jersey, it means that you have bought every jersey the team has ever released. If you wear a Heritage Jersey, it means you like nice looking things. And if you wear the Ottawa Senators Premier Crosscheck Jersey, it means that you're a Sens fan whose personal aesthetic is CLU from TRON.




Ever wonder "What would Treebeard from the Lord of the Rings look like if he was a Sens fan?" Well wonder no longer with the Ottawa Senators Resin Tree Face Ornament. Dead eyes that follow you around? Check! Resin Snapback game on point? Check! Lips stuck in a sexy "caught in mid-sentence" pose? Check! Attach to your least favourite tree and scare the neighbourhood children off your lawn for good! (Tongue to transform lips into the Rolling Stones' logo sold separately.)




Joe Corvo in the streets, Patrick Wiercioch in the pressbox sheets! Perfect for anyone who's dating a biker to get back at their parents, but still wants to be buried in a Jewish cemetery.



This is so much more than a Temporary Tattoo Mustache. It is a crime against God and nature. You are meddling with forces you can't control, NHL Branding. I will stand outside your New York offices and protest this abomination until the end of time. No one has ever bought or worn this without losing a bet first. Even the dude modelling it isn't even wearing the Ottawa Senators Temporary Tattoo Mustache. He is a stock photograph model with two temporary tattoos photoshopped onto his face. #StayWoke 




I do not have kids, although I understand that they're a great way to let people know you've had sex before. My knowledge of parenting is correspondingly limited, but I would imagine one has to pick their battles. You have to look at each situation and say "If I allow this to happen, will it result in permanent physical or mental harm to either my child or society at large?" So, if your kid insists that they be dressed like a 55 year old Eastern European mobster, maybe that's not a parenting hill you want to die on. On the other hand, if they start chain smoking, developing a pot belly, and you overhear them talking on burner cellphones trying to put "hits out on Nathan because that bastard didn't invite me to his birthday, and he's gone too far this time", then you may want to consider stepping in.

As a general rule of thumb, I'd say that dressing like Eugene Melnyk is a warning sign.

Hi haters!



It can't be easy to take ordinary household objects and transform them into part of an NHL brand. Sure you may think "This is as simple as putting a logo on literally anything.", but that's where you'd be wrong. Not content to merely throw a Senagoth on a pair of Fruit-of-the-Looms and call it a day, some unsung genius went a step further and turned these ordinary NHL branded boxers into a hockey puck. That's why these guys are professionals, folks.




Ladies (and some men. I'm not here to judge.), you do not get your undergarments packaged into the shape of sports equipment. What you do get is the opportunity to pay too much money (based on my extensive market research) for an NHL logo tag in what I assume is a non-optimal location and the knowledge that someone was paid money to write the phrase "Give a subtle shout out to your Ottawa Senators anywhere and anytime when you wear this adorable thong!"

Everything about this represents a failure of capitalism at the highest level.






I think we're done here.
at Friday, January 30, 2015
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