How the Euge Stole Christmas

by Dr. Bonk's Mullet

Every Sens fan in O-Town liked winning a lot...
But the Euge, who lived way south of O-Town, did NOT!
The Euge hated winning! And the whole playoff season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be that his Biovail shares missed the mark.
It could be, perhaps, that his tan was too dark.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his wallet was two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason, his wallet or his tan,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the fans.
Staring down from his box with a sour, Eugey frown,
At the home goal light glowing as his team's defense broke down.

For he knew every fan down in O-Town below,
Was busy now, watching their losing streak grow.
"They'll demand a better roster!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his Eugey brain nervously devising,
"I MUST find some way to stop the salary cap from rising!"
For tomorrow, he knew, all the fans feeling bitter,
Would demand he spend the cap. They'd rush straight for Twitter!

And then! Oh, the tweets!
Oh, the tweets! Tweets! Tweets! Tweets!
That's one thing he hated!
The Tweets! Tweets! Tweets! Tweets!

Then the fans, young and old, would go online to post.
And they'd post! And they'd post! POST! POST! POST! POST!
Those random useless bloggers would sit down to boast,
Which was something the Euge hated the most!

And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Sens fan in O-Town, the tall and the small,
Would all band together, the most recent loss stinging
They'd stand phones in hand. And the TSN 1200 lines would start ringing!

They'd yap! And they'd yap!
And they'd YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP!
And the more the Euge heard "let's move Karlsson to wing",
The more the Euge thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"

"Why, for eleven years I've tried spending now!"
"I MUST stop the fans from complaining! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE EUGE GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Euge sharpened his claws.
And he made a quick Sparty Cat coat with four paws.
“What a great Eugey trick!" His laugh was quite hearty.
"With this mane and these paws, I look just like Sparty!"

"All I need is a partner for Karlsson..." The Euge looked around.
But, since d-men are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Euge? No! The Euge simply said,
"If I can't find a defender, I'll sign an old one instead!"

So he called his friend Phillips, and he took a white letter,
And he threaded it right to the front of his sweater.
Then he called up some vets and got ready to deal,
And he handed a three-year contract to Chris Neil.

Then the Euge said, "Let's go!" The leadership core took aim,
At the dressing room, the players getting ready for the game.
The atmosphere was pleasant. T-Swift did blare.
All the players were lacing their skates without care,
When he came to the first locker stall in the square.

"This is stop number one," the old Euge hissed,
As he looked at his team, pink slips in his fist.
He was going to slash the budget. He was cheaper than Scrooge.
But, if that ol' bugger could do it, then so could the Euge.

He felt bad only once, for a moment or two.
But given their losing streak, he knew just what to do.
Where his lineup of cup hopefuls all sat in a row.
"These stars," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

And he let them all go, on a wing and a prayer.
Around the whole room, he released every player!
Chara! And Havlat! Hossa! Heatley!
Hasek! Fisher! Spezza! Even Alfie!

And he stuffed the lineup with prospects. And journeymen AHLers,
His roster would no longer be lowly bottom dwellers!
He extended Colin Greening, Zack Smith, and Erik Condra.
Gone were the days of big names like Petr Bondra!

He cleaned out that dressing room as quick as a flash.
Why, that Euge even took their petty cash!

Even with his weak d-corps, he had another thought.
"And NOW!" grinned the Euge, "I won't re-sign Methot!"
And as the Euge ripped the contract, and it started to tear,
He heard a small sound that came from his youngest pla'er.

He turned around fast, and he saw his young star!
Little Curtis Lazar, still too young for a bar.
The Euge had been caught by his tiny fourth line center,
Who'd got out of bed to grab a beer for his mentor.

He stared at the Euge and said, "Mr. Melnyk, sir, why,”
"Why aren't you building a winning hockey team? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Euge was so smart and so slick,
He thought up an excuse, and he thought it up quick!

"Why, my sweet little tot," the Euge fibbed once more,
"Spending to the cap is something I've tried lots before."
"When we were at the ceiling, our team was disjoint."
"I'll bring us down to the floor. We'll win with cost per point."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted his head,
Traded his Big Rig for a Molson and he sent him to bed.
And when Little Curtis Lazar went to bed for a nap,
The Euge went back to making room under the cap.

Then the last thing he took,
Before he left on his plane,
The man with a doppelganger would see the end of his reign.
Dave Cameron would take over for ol' Coach MacLean.

And the only cash he left behind in a hurry,
Wasn't even enough to be used by Bryan Murray.
Re-signing his prospects was the least of his worries,
Leaving players on waivers for other teams' Murrays!

It was quarter past dawn... All the fans, still a-bed,
All the fans, still asnooze, United in Red,
He gave them Clarke MacArthur! Kyle Turris! Bobby Ryan!
Stone, Hoffman, and Mika would stop all their cryin'!

Ten thousand miles south, on the beach in Barbados,
He had assembled a team that cost less than potatoes!
"Poo poo to the fans!" he was Eugeishly humming.
"They're finding out now that winning is coming!"

"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Sens fans in O-Town will all cry Woo Hoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Euge, "That I simply MUST hear!"

So he paused. And the Euge put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't happy! Why, this sound sounded scary! It couldn't be so!

But it WAS scary! VERY! He stared down at O-Town! The Euge popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Sens game in O-Town, ever since the fall,
They were losing! Without any spending at all!

He HADN'T stopped the losing from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Euge, with his Euge-feet knee-deep in Barbados sand,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "But it was just like I planned!"
"It came with top prospects! It came with great tenders!"
"It came with long-term deals to bottom two defenders!"

And he meddled for three hours, till his meddler was sore.
Then the Euge thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe winning," he thought, "doesn't come without spending."
"Maybe spending...perhaps...is required for contending!"

And what happened then? Well...in O-Town they say,
That the Euge's small wallet grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his purse strings didn't feel quite so tight,
He brought in free agents. The future was bright.

And he brought home the cup! And skated it for a lap!
And he, he himself, the Euge, spent right to the cap!

---

Thanks for reading everyone! A huge thanks to @Capital_Gains65 and @Gerv_Rebrand for providing the images for this post. Merry Christmas from the entire Bonk's Mullet family, including Kevin, Luke, Gainsy, Brochenski, Steve, Joe, Charles, George, Matty, and Mike!

Have a great holiday everyone, and I hope your team's owner is better to you in the new year!

- Eric

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

by Steve On Sens

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the parking lot
Not a player was fist pumping, not even Methot
The bobble heads were placed by the Sens Store with care
In hopes that Boxing Day shoppers would soon be there

Condra slept happy all snug in his bed
The thought of his 2 game goal streak alive in his head
Coach Cameron sat idly thinking of D pairs to match
Would Wiercioch play 15 minutes or be a healthy scratch?

Over the Gatineau hills came a loud clatter
Cyril Leeder jumped out of bed to see what was the matter
A noise so loud that anyone could hear
Came from Robin Lehner fighting Reindeer

St. Nick looked at Robin and shook his fist
Telling Lehner that he was on the naughty list
I give you a controversy for Christmas this year
and began to list the past for all too hear

“Now Rhodes! now, Hurme! now, Lalime and Tugnutt!
On, Emery! On, Gerber! on Prusek and Elliott!
To the top of the stats! to the top of the trade!
Now dash away! Dash away! Watch your careers fade!

When Christmas bells were heard, Lazar and Ceci let out a scream
They must, they must inform the whole team
So on to Twitter the two went about
Giving @b_ryan9 a quick shout out

At long last, the entire team knew
Even Phillips, who was making a brew
As Ceci waited for the moment to arrive
Santa was speeding down Palladium Drive

When they heard him arrive with a HO! HO! HO!
They saw an elf checking the list who looked like Pageau
As the two pretended to sleep in a very quick hurry
Coming down the chimney was jolly Bryan Murray

In a Senators polo, the General Manager was dressed
Very fatigued after yet another trade request
A bundle of jerseys were flung on his back
All red Senturion, not heritage black

He went straight to work giving Michalek a new knee
To excite the fans, a day's contract for Alfie
For Kyle Turris, Murray brought a new chain
And old Wade Redden got a bag of coc................oa.

Murray rose and up the chimney he went
Under $50 Million, the man only spent
But Lazar heard Bryan exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Holidays with the Sens

by Capital Gains

Happy holidays, everyone! The Sens have the next 4 days off to celebrate the holidays with their friends and families. Here's what they plan to do during their extended break:

If you didn't already know, this is what Phillips and Lazar got up to for the holidays.

Erik Condra came to the conclusion that the biggest attribute missing from his game was the way he handled the puck. As a result, he decided to head home for the holidays and look for a new pair of hands.

Let's just say things didn't go so well.

Mark Borowiecki didn’t get to fight enough during the first quarter of the season, so he chose to spend his holiday break on the streets of Ottawa, starting snowball fights with anyone who gave him a dirty look.

I am a cotton-headed ninnymoggins!

Zack Smith wanted to have a snowman building contest with his teammates this year, but the only players interested were Alex Chiasson, Patrick Wiercioch and Colin Greening. Instead of having a competition, the four decided to work together and make the best snowman ever.

Smith: ♫"Robin, do you want to build a snowman? C'mon let's go and play."♫
Lehner: "No."

Lehner turned down Smith's request because he was too busy on the hunt for a super cool action figure to get Lennox for Christmas this year. Lehner went from store to store, but had no luck. It turns out that there were bunch of criminals disguised as Santa, that stole all the action figures. Robin took matters into his own hands.

One of the Santas: There’s 20 of us and 1 of you. Lehner: And…?

Cody Ceci decided to do what most 20 and under people do during the holidays... absolutely nothing. Lets just hope for Cody’s sake, he doesn’t share any midnight snacks with his pet.

We're watching Snow White. And we love it.

Michael Hoffman, the Sen with the most Jewish name, thought that he’d try something new this year, and has spent the last 8 crazy nights celebrating Hanukkah.

Mika Zibanejad wanted new DJ equipment for Christmas this year, but when he asked Dave Cameron and Bryan Murray, they both said no, as it would take away from his game.

"You'll shoot your ears out!"- Dave Cameron

Bobby Ryan was told by a fan that he needed to "light more mups" for the Sens following this holiday break. He took things a bit too literal as he invited some "friends" over for Christmas dinner.

He's going to need a few more candles.

Clarke "Grizz" MacArthur took his family to Chicago to spend their holiday vacation there. He also invited Cousin Kyle, and his family to join them.

After trying a numerous amount of rehab techniques to help aid his back, Methot thot that he'd give ballet a try. Seeing as it's the holiday season, Methot took on the lead roll in the Nutcracker.

They renamed the ballet "The Backcracker" for the time being.

Mark Stone, Eric Gryba, J.G Pageau and Milan Michalek decided to combine their beautiful singing voices and form a musical quartet. They went house to house this year to spread joy and sing Christmas carols.

♫Jingle Bells, Melnyk smells, trade us to L.A.♫

Chris Neil is not a big fan of the holidays, so this year, he put on a Grinch costume and went house to house stealing all the gifts from underneath people's trees.

"It's Hoffman's house. I'm going to steal his powerplay time."

With Santa on the IR, Jared Cowen and Craig Anderson did their best in trying to redistribute all of the stolen presents. They didn't succeed, as Cowen wasn't very good at being Santa. In fact, you could say he was a Bad Santa.

This was one mistake by Cowen that Anderson's elf skills couldn't save.

After hearing that Cowen and Anderson couldn't save Christmas, Erik Karlsson went out searching for a new Santa Claus.

Karlsson brought the people of Ottawa something better than Santa. Karlsson brought them David Legwand. Legwand put on a Santa Clause costume, returned everyone's gifts, and saved Christmas!

LEAKED: Senators' Anti-Mumps Action Plan

by Joe Boughner

The Great Mumps Outbreak of 2014 has taken the NHL by storm. And not like an awesome storm with lots of cool lightning but, like, way out at sea so there's no real damage. No, it's more like a some sort of weird snow/rain storm that makes stuff all gross to look at and does damage but it's still sort of worth joking about because, seriously, what year is this?

Ok, you  know what, I suck at storm jokes. I'm like the Florida Panthers of storm jokes.

Anyway, back to mumps.

Lazar Defends Phillips Household from Burglary

by Mike Wheeler

Photo courtesy of Matty Go Sens.

Curtis Lazar is once again being praised for his heroism this week, but this time it’s not for looking decent while playing with the Senators’ bottom-six forwards. Much has been said about the rookie centre moving in with the family of veteran defenceman Chris Phillips this season, and now Curtis is not only helping out around the house by doing dishes and shovelling the driveway, but he is also thwarting attempted burglaries.

Curtis Lazar is being called a hero today for his actions off the ice.
(Photo courtesy of Matty Go Sens.)

Lazar appeared relaxed as he spoke to the media earlier today, "It's just just one of those things, you know? Philly's got some free time on his hands now that he doesn't have to play as much, so he was taking the whole family for a little Christmas vacation to Paris. I was asleep up in the attic - as usual - and they just sort of forgot me." Lazar explained that when he realized he was alone in the house, he was nervous at first, but then grew to enjoy his independence. "Yeah, I got to jump up and down on the bed, I made a huge sundae, and I even tried aftershave for the first time. Huge mistake! All in all, it was pretty fun, actually."

It Could Be Worse: You Could Be Forced To Suck Up To Eugene Melnyk

By George Marshall

"I am Eugene, King of the trashpile!"
Courtesy: Matty Go Sens

Arguably one of my favourite things about being a sports fan is the ability to be pissed off at just about anything when your team is not performing well with about zero negative repercussions. It's what makes sports so amazing. And now with "The Internet" we have a place to express that rage in a large community of ragers. Coming from the Greater Toronto Area (me, not the internet, despite what some Torontonians may claim), the internet has become the primary source of where my rage goes, since few people in the GTA realize 29 other teams play in the same league as the Leafs (maybe 28 if Leafs fans are keeping score in The Great Jersey Toss-Off with the Oilers).

Senators announce hiring of new new head coach: the Paul MacLean lookalike

by Mike Wheeler

Paul MacLean's doppelgänger takes to the ice for his first practice as the head coach of the Senators.

The Ottawa Senators once again surprised its fans and the media this morning by announcing the hiring of a new head coach: Paul MacLean’s lookalike. The news comes just days after announcing the dismissal of Jack Adams-winner Paul MacLean which left some fans reeling. It also seems as though the organization quickly realized that Dave Cameron was a huge mistake and they have reacted by hiring the doppelgänger of Jack-Adams-winner Paul MacLean.

Daniel Alfredsson: A Careertrospective

by Bonk and his Mullets

 

After Daniel Alfredsson's press conference today, we thought it would be nice to cover some of Alfie's greatest career moments. Blogs like SensChirp have already covered his greatest highlights, so we thought we'd cover the lesser known aspects of his greatest career achievements. Here we go!

LEAKED: First-draft script for the Alfie tribute

by Joe Boughner

Heading to the Alfie tribute game on December 4? Here's a sneak peek at what you might be able to expect. My source tells me this is a "very early" draft. He couldn't confirm whose edit marks and annotations are on this copy but he assures me this is a legit draft that reached high levels of the organization.

Week 9 Preview: Another standard week here in Sens land

by a Limited Number of Monkeys Sharing a Limited Number of Typewriters

Another week, another slate of games. We're in the doldrums here, people. The US Thanksgiving milestone has passed. Routine has set in. Christmas looms. People just aren't thinking about hockey, you know? Oh sure, we'll keep writing weekly previews. It's what our readers want and - if we're being brutally honest - it's what Mr. Bonk's Mullet himself demands. But nobody's bringing their A game this time of year.

Seriously. Our boss is a hardass, guys. He's threatened our families on more than one occasion. One time Chet tried to creatively send a "help us" message using the first letter of each line and we haven't seen the guy since.

Now on to the preview!

It Could Be Worse: You Could Be A Sharks Fan (Because I'm tired of talking about the Oilers)

By George Marshall

I started this column with the goal of writing about a team that had a particularly rough couple of weeks. I knew that some teams might show up more than once this season and I was prepared for that. But this is only my fourth post for "It Could Be Worse" and Edmonton threatened to make its second appearance already. I know it's dry in Alberta, but I doubt there will be a drought any time soon due to the constant downpour of tears from Oiler fans.

At least he got his stuff back (Courtesy: Matty Go Sens)

So I'm just gonna leave you with this and move on to a team that had a better week than the Oilers but not by much: The San Jose Sharks.

These guys have a 10-10-4 record that's been described as "pretty terrible" by Sharks fans and has led to some speculation on Todd McLellan's job security. They recently had a 6 game stretch against Florida, Buffalo, Columbus, Carolina, Arizona and Calgary. You should either come out of that stretch with 2 wins or 1 Connor McDavid. They came out with neither. On the bright side, they're now the proud owners of a streak which involves the phrase "losing to Buffalo" which should lead to immediate disqualification from the playoffs right there.

But that is not the case. San Jose sits 5th in the Pacific division and knocking on the door of a playoff spot. With the "Unsustainable" Calgary Flames and the "Stop Screwing Around Already" Winnipeg Jets, both due for a slip down the standings, the Sharks could find themselves back in a comfortable playoff position when it's crunch time.

So what's the big deal? Oh yeah, this is the team that promised massive overhaul to their roster after their massive collapse to the Kings last year in the playoffs and they surprised us by...

...

...wait for it...

...

Adding John Scott.

Yes, That John Scott (Courtesy: thehockeywriters.com)

Ok, so they didn't do really do anything. In fact, they probably made things worse.

But it wasn't for lack of trying. The Sharks seemed pretty set on moving Thornton and/or Marleau, even to go so far as putting Thornton with 4th line wingers... It worked with Spezza right?

Hanson-Thornton-Scott

In the end, both players elected to stay with the organization and that may be a good thing. I doubt you can find many players out there as good as Thornton or Marleau anyways.

The main reason people have their fingers near the panic button in San Jose is because of how good they have been in the regular season and how that same success hasn't translated to the playoffs. Fans want more and more from this team.

I'm not saying the fanbase is spoiled but I am a Sens fan so any team that spends over 60 million on their roster seems pretty privileged to me. And with this privilege comes the heightened expectations, which always leads to frustration when your team underperforms.

It makes you wonder if Ottawa is doing the right thing: constantly lowering our expectations so any sliver of success looks like a miracle (the Blues game for example). In this case, things could be worse, relatively speaking.

And one more thing: Jesus Christ Edmonton, get your shit together!

Report: Alfredsson Signs One Day Contract to Retire as a New York Islander

by Mike Wheeler

The newest member of the New York Islanders, Daniel Alfredsson, announces his retirement. Photo courtesy of Matty Go Sens

Over the past week, it has become clear that former Ottawa Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson's playing career is behind him. Rumours of his retirement have been circulating recently with most speculating that the fan-favourite was in the process of making arrangements to return to the city in which he spent most of his career to make amends and retire as an Ottawa Senator. Understandably, many were surprised when Alfredsson signed a one day contract to retire as a New York Islander.

The announcement came earlier this morning when Islanders general manager Garth Snow presented Alfredsson with the symbolic one-day contract prior to the star making official the end of his nineteen-year NHL career. Several members of the confused media asked Alfredsson why he chose to retire as an Islander. "There are a lot of things to like about this club. They're a great young team and John [Tavares] is a great leader. And I would have been really excited to play along side him or Brock Nelson or any of those guys if I weren't retiring."

Week 8 Preview: Who plays hockey on Mondays?

by Bonkie Bonk and the Mullets - Motown's hottest new doo-wop crew

Ok first of all, Monday Night Hockey? Come on, "Hockeytown." Everyone knows Mondays are for writing hilarious weekly preview articles and continuing to ignore the NFL. Anyway, looks like we just got a bushel of lemons so...

The NHL schedule makers and the RBM crew are pleased to present:

The First Ever Weekly Preview / Game Recap Hybrid!

Mmm, that's some tasty lemonade! This week the Sens play all the back-to-backs so let's see how things are going to go / have gone thus far!

Week 7 Preview: There's Only Two Games So This Was Fairly Easy To Write

by Capital Gains and Bonk's Mullet

The Sens are finally back in action this week after having a lengthy four day break. After going 1-1-1 on their Western Canadian road trip, Ottawa return home to face Nashville and St. Louis. How will the well-rested Sens fare against the Preds and Blues? Let’s find out!

Phillips' cashed in his "Free Breakfast in Bed" card that Lazar gave as first month's rent.

Stories to watch

Nov 20 vs Nashville

Nashville heads in to Ottawa having beaten the Maple Leafs 9-2 in their last outing. There is a rumour going around that a tribute video may be shown before the game along with a standing ovation, honouring the Predators for their accomplishments. Reports also indicate that Erik Karlsson will let Predators captain, Shea Weber, win the ceremonial faceoff. David Legwand will be dropping the puck. Is there anything Legwand can’t do?

Curtis Lazar is out of the lineup tonight after sustaining an injury in practice. Who hurt Lazar is still yet to be determined, however, based on the expected lines for tonight’s game, the culprit list has been narrowed down to two suspects; Mika Zibanejad and Colin Greening.

Ottawa's lineup was so brilliantly analyzed by James at Welcome To Your Karlsson Years that we dare not touch it anymore. We also dare not touch James, because I wouldn't be surprised if he vomited all over himself when writing that post.

Nov 22 vs St. Louis

The Sens' first afternoon game of the season!!!

St. Louis is off to a strong start to their season, sitting atop the Western Conference. With players like Maxim Lapierre, Carl Gunnarsson, Steve Ott and Brian Elliot, it's no surprise they're doing so well. Wait... what?

The Blues have a different looking team since the Sens played them last year. No Halak, no Polak, no Roy and most importantly, no Chris Stewart (whom Bruce Garrioch assures us is coming to Ottawa any day now, as of March 2014). Instead, St. Louis has former Avalanche, Paul Stastny, former Leaf, Carl Gunnarsson, former not NHLer Jake Allen, and former person I didn't know existed, Jori Lehtera.

Lehtera, Jaden Schwartz and that-guy-we-could-have-picked-in-the-first-round-but-instead-we-traded-for-David-Rundblad-whom-we-later-exchanged-for-Kyle-Turris-so-it-doesn't-seem-quite-as-bad-in-hindsight are currently one of the top lines in the league. Leht's hope the Sens' defensenko is able to stop this line from scoring on Saturday. Oh shoot, missed one, uh...Eugene Melnyk wears a t-schwirt and schwartz at Bert's Bart. Nailed it.

Wrap up

• Current record: 8-5-4, which is totally 3 games above .500 according to Gary Bettman
• Team injuries: Methot (back); Lazar (cheek muscles)
• Fancy stat of the week: Upwards of 200 cm of snow fell on Buffalo this week. Unfortunately, that’s not the type of CM Buffalo wants falling into its arms.

Have a good week!

Methot extension talks stall due to "sleeveless jersey" demands

by Mike Wheeler

Marc Methot looking good in his new jersey. Photo courtesy of Matty Go Sens.

The Ottawa Senators are in the middle of a very public contract negotiation with injured star defenceman Marc Methot. In September, Methot's agent Larry Kelly stated that the two sides were only $300,000 away from reaching an agreement. While this doesn't seem like much of a hurdle to overcome in the context of a typical NHL contract, new information is coming forward that seems to indicate the two sides are further apart than ever. But it's not because of money, the Senators are having a hard time meeting Methot's other demands which include a new sleeveless jersey.

It Could Be Worse: You Could Be A Blue Jackets Fan

by George Marshall

When we look at the bottom of the Eastern Conference Standings there are no surprises. We see Buffalo, then we see Carolina, then we- Wait, What? Columbus! What are you doing here?

That's right, #Lumbus is in the #Basement and is this week's feature for It Could Be Worse.

Let me take you back to that time Colin Greening scored the double OT winner to beat the Pittsburgh Penguins in the 2nd round of the playoffs. Man, we turned on that guy fast.

Speaking of being in the playoffs and losing to the Penguins, the Columbus Blue Jackets did both of those things last year and looked like a promising darkhorse coming into this season. And speaking of Colin Greening, the Blue Jackets also have a colour in their name! Wow!

He will now be known as Colin NavyBlueing... Get it?

Lumbus only made one significant move in the off-season, making a big upgrade in the GRIT department by acquiring Scott Hartnell from the Flyers for RJ Umberger. Jerry D'Amigo was also a key addition except for the fact that he isn't. Heading into the season their roster looked something like this:

• Vezina winner and celebrated artist Sergei Bob Rossky in net
• Star Center Ryan Johansen up front. A Tyler Seguin type of player making Milan Michalek type money.
• When I Googled "Columbus Blue Jackets Star Defenceman" Kris Russel, then Aaron Rome showed up, so I'm guessing their defense is bad.

Coming into the year, I had them at 4th in the Metro but they've spent the past couple weeks losing 9 in a row and find themselves dead last in the Metro instead.

Why Is That?

Well, it definitely has something to do with injuries.

Losing Bobrovsky has been the biggest blow to the Jackets and Curtis McElhinney has not been lights out as his replacement, unless you mean he's turning the lights out on their playoffs aspirations. This has really driven home the benefit of having two capable NHL-ready goaltenders, especially if those two goalies happen to be disguising the crippling defensive problems of everyone else in your lineup as well as the questionable player usage and overall inadequacy that comes with a roster forced to linger near the cap floor because the owner is either trying to prove a point or, more likely, is using the minimal amount of revenue to fund other fruitless ventures like a casino. What was I talking about?

Besides Bobrovsky, the Jackets have lost some other players to injury in the young season. Here's a look at their IR:

• Nathan Horton - He's considering career-ending surgery due to his back issues which is a really tough situation for the 29 year old.
• Artem Anisimov - Suffered an upper body injury after being hit by the dirtiest player in the league (At least that's what a Habs fan told me) Erik Gryba.
• Brandon Dubinsky - Despite being on the IR, he travelled to Washington with the team on Tuesday for a particular reason. Light up the "Doobie"nsky bro.
• Mark Letestu - Also injured while playing against the Senators.Thus furthering our reputation as talentless thugs.
• Ryan Murray - He's been on and off the IR due to a knee injury and had to suffer the fate of sitting in the press box while his team lost both games of a back-to-back against Carolina.
• Cody Goloubef - Who?

With Nick Foligno also missing some time after running into an official and Matt Calvert & Jack Skille both day-to-day, the Jackets have been very banged up this year.

With the Islanders improving their back end and the Capitals performing well under a new system, the Jackets seem like a team that could very well slip out of the playoffs, and with the tough luck on the injury front (especially with Bobrovsky) maybe this shouldn't be as much of a surprise.

What now?

Well, they're too good a team to be in the McDavid sweepstakes by the end of the year, but a losing streak like this has knocked teams out of the playoff picture before. Odds are they end up the worst spot in the league - the dreaded "No Man's Land."

Sidenote: Is it just me or does everyone think it's ridiculous that being 9th or 10th in a conference is somehow worse that finishing last? Why are teams penalized for trying to succeed? Maybe the league should do something about that...

Of course it's way too early to be talking about playoffs now but when the phrase "Only Buffalo has..." is applied to you, you're in trouble. That phrase may have been applied to the Sens a couple times this season but at least our record doesn't show it... yet. It could be worse.

Too Many Cookes (Sens Parody)

by Capital Gains

Just when you thought you finally got the "Too Many Cooks" theme song out of your head, we go and make this. Sit back, enjoy, and remember, it's okay if you don't understand anything that's happening.

(Here's the YouTube link, because video embedding is pretty terrible on our mobile site.)

Week 6 Preview: Pretend we made a clever Pet Shop Boys pun here

by Dr. Flappy and the Sunshine Sextet

It's been said that life is peaceful there, in the open air where the skies are blue. So after a crazy-long homestand, the boys in red and black are headed west (not to be confused with the REDBLACKS, who've all gone home after their debut season ended last week. Bonk's Mullet: Your source for several-day-old CFL scoops). 

Put the kids to bed, set the PVR for Blue Nuit and put on a pot of coffee, Sens fans, we're looking at Hockey After Dark this week - west coast style.

Stories to watch

Nov 11 @ Vancouver

The Canucks will be entering this week with heavy hearts but, perhaps, something new to play for after the twins that defined this franchise for the better part of a decade announced that this season will be their last. That's right, sports fans, after entertaining and delighting GM Place Rogers Arena with their skill passion season after season, the most famous twin-act in sports is stepping out of the limelight. I speak, of course, of the Green Men. 

Will the Green Men find the strength to pelvicthrustupon any Sens who are sent to the box to feel shame (Neil)? Will the Canucks rally around their twin heroes? Will the Sedins also somehow be involved? Find out Tuesday in (Pacific) prime time.

Edit: Bobby Ryan just significantly raised the stakes on Tuesday night's game: 

@SensRedMen @SensMotB ok I'm in.. 1k per hometown kid Turris goals?
— Bobby Ryan (@b_ryan9) November 11, 2014

We weren't going to run another Sens Money on the Board night until December, but when Bobby Ryan pledges $1,000 per Kyle Turris goal, you run another Sens Money on the Board night. You can pledge or donate here to get in on the action.

Nov 13 @ Edmonton

These guys need a centre and a defenceman. Haaaaavvvvveee you met Zack and Patrick?

At the time of writing, the Oilers have just won two games in a row. Now, giving the schedule the ol' eyeball test, that means that Edmonton is due for six or seven consecutive losses. Good news for the Sens! Having said that, this is going to be a late game on a Thursday, so you're probably going to be asleep for most of it anyway. You've got to get up early on Friday morning and Thursdays always seem rough at work for some reason, so it's more than likely that you're not going to see a whole lot of this game. Just catch the highlights in the morning and play it off like you actually did watch it and you just thought it was an uneventful game. No one will notice.

Will the Sens face the good Oilers or the bad Oilers? Will the commentators drone on and on about "all that talent" the Oilers have up front despite not really having that much talent up front? Will Sens fans let out a collective, contented sigh when we see Benoit "There But For The Grace of MacTavish Go I" Pouliot lumber around the ice with a $4-million piano strapped to his back? Tune in Thursday to find out!

Nov 15 @ Calgary

At least one of us has got a buddy from Alberta who is a huge Flames fan (don't we all?). And said buddy summed up the team this way, heading into the year: "There's Mark Giordano and everyone else is trash." Well that pile of trash has stormed out of the gate to the tune of a 9-6-2 record, good enough for third in the Pacific Division. There hasn't been this much optimism in Calgary since a few seconds before Martin Gelinas did didn't did didn't score in game six of the 2004 Stanley Cup final.

Can Johnny "Hockey" Gaudreau continue his torrid pace in the race for the Calder? Can Jonas Hiller continue to keep both vertigo and hockey pucks at bay? Will my buddy ever stop chirping me if the Sens lose this one? Sorry Father, I'm going to be late for church on Sunday, I gots some hockey to watch.

Wrap up 

• Current record: 7-4-3
• Team injuries: Methot (back); Lehner (pride)
• Fancy stat of the week: $2,180.09 raised for the Military Families Fund by Sens (and some Leafs) fans through #SensMotB.

#SensMotB: Sens and Leafs

by Bonk's Mullet

In honour of Cpl. Nathan Cirillo, whose life was taken in Ottawa on October 22, 2014, we will hold another Sens Money on the Board game tonight. This game holds special significance as the Ottawa Senators and Toronto Maple Leafs were scheduled to play on the day of the tragedy. This tragedy went beyond hockey and the game was rescheduled for tonight.

All funds raised during tonight's game will be donated to the Canadian Military Families Fund via the Sens Foundation. We encourage everyone from both fan bases to participate in the event. 

The concept is simple: Following the instructions below, make a pledge for an in game event. For example, pledge $8.10 for a Phil Kessel goal, $10 for a Chris Neil fight, or $20 for your team to win.

During last night's Sens-Jets game, over $1000 was raised for the Canadian Military Families Fund, despite the lack of scoring in the game. We hope to add a significant amount to that total tonight. If you wish to carry over your pledge from last night's game, please tweet at @SensMotB.

Additional information can be found here. Here's how to participate:

Sens Money on the Board Pledge/Donation Instructions

1. Pledge: Make your pledge for Ottawa vs. Toronto on Sunday, November 9th with this form. All donations made to the Sens Foundation for Saturday and Sunday's games will be given to the Canadian Military Families Fund.
2. Share: Tweet your pledge to @SensMotB or share with the hashtag #SensMotB.
3. Watch: Watch the game and keep track of your pledge!
4. Check: Check the result of your pledge on this spreadsheet (Note: There is one tab on the spreadsheet for each SensMotB game this season).
5. Donate: Donation form available here. Feel free to donate at any time without making a pledge. Ignore the information above the donation form for the time being, as some of it is out of date.

Sens Money on the Board: Canadian Forces Appreciation Night

by Bonk's Mullet

In reaction to the shootings in Ottawa on October 22nd, the first Sens Money on the Board of the 2014-2015 season will be dedicated to Canadian Military members and their families. In partnership with the Ottawa Senators Foundation, we celebrate the Ottawa Senators' annual Canadian Forces Appreciation night by asking that you make pledges for Saturday's game against the Winnipeg Jets. All proceeds will go to the Canadian Military Families Fund via the Sens Foundation.

Never heard of Sens Money on the Board? It's easy: Make a pledge for something to happen during the game, and if it happens, make the donation. For example, pledge $6.50 for each Erik Karlsson goal, $10 if Chris Neil fights, or $50 for an Ottawa Senators win. You can get as creative or uncreative as you'd like. All the information you need can be found here. Here's how to participate:

Sens Money on the Board Pledge/Donation Instructions

1. Pledge: Make your pledge for Ottawa vs. Winnipeg on Saturday, November 8th with this form.
2. Share: Tweet your pledge to @SensMotB or share with the hashtag #SensMotB.
3. Watch: Watch the game and keep track of your pledge!
4. Check: Check the result of your pledge on this spreadsheet (Note: There is one tab on the spreadsheet per game, including last season).
5. Donate: Donation form available here. Feel free to donate at any time without making a pledge. Ignore the information above the donation form, as most of it is out of date!

Over $14,000 has been donated to the Sens Foundation through Sens Money on the Board since April 2013. If you're interested in donating prizes to be given away to those who donate, please contact Eric Doty at bonksmullet@gmail.com.

Thanks again everyone. Please share this with your friends, families, pets, co-workers, and sworn enemies! Let's make it a big night!

LEAKED: What the dads thought of their road trip

by Joe Boughner

There are perks to living within view of the Canadian Tire Centre. First and foremost, of course, is the ability to walk to games. A close second, however, is that the mighty winds of Kanata often blow directly from the CTC to my doorstep, providing me with a steady supply of partially-deflated thundersticks and - occasionally - a stray piece of mail.

This week's bounty included the usual: rejection letters from Methot's agent, Murray's latest copy of The Low Down to Hull and Back Again (the Outaouais' favourite news source!) and some Costco coupons. But as I was dumping it into my blue bin I saw a plain envelope addressed, in pen, to Mr. Melnyk with no return address.

<BuzzfeedVoice>You'll never believe what was inside!</BuzzfeedVoice>

Week 5 Preview - Woah That's A Lot of Games This Week

By: Chris

Introduction

After a decent week that saw the Sens beat Columbus, pick up the loser point against a dominant Blackhawks team, and lose to the Bruins, Ottawa returns home for 4 games in 6 nights. The Sens are currently 5-3-2, and sit one point back of the 2nd wildcard spot with one game in hand.

"Finally, we can clap and smile!" New supporter section an overwhelming success

by Mike Wheeler

Fans who have come to love Sparty's "Fan Silencing" routines may be in for a bit of a surprise this season.

When heading out to an Ottawa Senators game, fans have come to expect the kind of atmosphere that has made the Canadian Tire Centre known around the league: deafening silence. Known as "the library of the NHL," the CTC regularly hosts upwards of 20,000 fans of other teams as well as civil servants who got tickets from their boss and they all just want to enjoy a nice, quiet hockey game. But all of that is changing this year with the addition of new rules for section 319, or the "supporter section."

The Annual Ottawa Senators Halloween Costume Party: The Costume Contest

by Capital Gains

It's Halloween! The Ottawa Senators held their annual Halloween party last night following their shootout loss to the Chicago Blackhawks. Like any good Halloween party, the Sens held a contest to determine who wore the best costume to the party. The person or group of people with the highest score was crowned the victor and given a prize personally selected by Eugene Melnyk**. The scoring was split up into two categories:

Costume Creativeness: Between 0 and 10 points
Costume Scariness: Between 0 and 10 points

Judges: Paul MacLean, Bryan Murray, and Eugene Melnyk.

It Could Be Worse: You Could Be A Red Wings Fan?

by George Marshall (photos by Matty Go Sens)

Well not really. Being a Wings fan looks pretty great. Like the Senators but with less tragedy. They've had great (occasionally Swedish) leaders that have stayed with the team their entire career (ahem) and even with all the injuries last season they kept their playoff streak alive. A streak that started back in the 1990-1991 NHL season.

Kanata Ontario, 1990

But there was a game last week where being a Wings fan wasn’t too fun and Senators fans are all too familiar with it.

Their Opponent: The Montreal Canadiens

When: Tuesday October 21^st

Where: Hell (aka: The Bell Center)

Man, I knew the roads were bad in Quebec, but this is outrageous!

The first 2 periods were forgettable (didn't watch them) and Detroit led 1-0 heading into the third. That's where everything changed.

Pavel Datsyuk cut in and roofed a beauty backhand that stunned the Montreal defense and made Carey Price grab the closest player and hold him tight.

The only time Abdelkader scored that night! Hey-O! *Booed off stage*

Unfortunately, the goal was disallowed because of incidental contact with the goalie, which apparently gets called when a goalie deliberately runs into you. 

Despite that we missed out on an early goal of the year candidate, the worst part of that series of events is the fact that people went on to call that a "smart play" or intelligent move" from Price. Even if it is "technically" allowed, it's quite clearly a form of diving and it also begs the question: why didn't he try and save it instead of cop a feel on Abdelkader?

Regardless, It kept the game at 1-0 until Alex Galchenyuk tied it up with less than 5 minutes remaining. At this point, it was pretty clear things weren't going Detroit's way. Montreal won it in overtime, prompting a new approach from Jimmy Howard.

"The Howard" doesn't really have the same ring to it

And here I am, thinking that losing to the Canadiens because of questionable goalie interference calls was our thing. First Alfie, now this Detroit? Is anything sacred!?

Speaking of Alfie, Detroit made a nice comeback from down 3-1 to beat the good team from Pennsylvania the next day (despite Alfie's dire predictions), but then lost to the bad team from Pennsylvania two days later.

To add insult to injury, while I was writing this post last night, this happened in Detroit's game against Washington.

Good on Holtby to study the game film and compare notes with Price to try to gain a competitive edge on his opponents. And he executed to perfection. Fortunately for Wings fans (and fans of stupid calls not affecting the outcome of hockey games), the Caps didn't score on the powerplay and Detroit went on to win 4-2.

An up and down past couple of weeks makes any prediction for this team about as accurate as my predictions over at Ultimate Hockey Network (nice plug). Just remember guys, at least when we lose, we don't need any help from the officials. It could be worse.

Week 4 Preview: Didn't We Just Play These Guys?

by The Boys From The Blog

After losing both games last week (including one ASTRONOMICALLY, INTER-PLANETARILY EXCITING game the New Jersey Devils), the Sens are back at it again with a game in Columbus, then back at home against Chicago and then back on the road in Boston. Don't forget your air miles cards, boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!

!!

!

Ok, that's probably enough punctuation. Or is it?????

(Yes, it is).

New CTC lights "too bright"

by Mike Wheeler

Bobby Ryan (white guy in the middle) is rendered nearly invisible under the new LED lighting.

Senators fans heading to the Canadian Tire Centre this season have noticed something different: new high-powered LED lights illuminating all of the action on the ice. Unfortunately, the lights have come under criticism as of late because to some, they are just too bright.