Lazar Defends Phillips Household from Burglary

by Mike Wheeler

Curtis Lazar is once again being praised for his heroism this week, but this time it’s not for looking decent while playing with the Senators’ bottom-six forwards. Much has been said about the rookie centre moving in with the family of veteran defenceman Chris Phillips this season, and now Curtis is not only helping out around the house by doing dishes and shovelling the driveway, but he is also thwarting attempted burglaries.

Curtis Lazar is being called a hero today for his actions off the ice.
(Photo courtesy of Matty Go Sens.)

Lazar appeared relaxed as he spoke to the media earlier today, "It's just just one of those things, you know? Philly's got some free time on his hands now that he doesn't have to play as much, so he was taking the whole family for a little Christmas vacation to Paris. I was asleep up in the attic - as usual - and they just sort of forgot me." Lazar explained that when he realized he was alone in the house, he was nervous at first, but then grew to enjoy his independence. "Yeah, I got to jump up and down on the bed, I made a huge sundae, and I even tried aftershave for the first time. Huge mistake! All in all, it was pretty fun, actually."

"Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!" (Photo courtesy of Capital Gains.)

The newfound freedom didn't last long though, as Lazar soon realized that the house was being watched. "I knew that something was going to go down - Kanata can be a little rough - and I decided it would be a good idea to make it look like there were lots of people in the house. Philly said that I'm not allowed to invite Erik or Mika over, so I staged a huge party with cardboard cutouts and dummies dancing in the windows. Everything was being controlled by me. It was actually shockingly elaborate."

Erin Phillips realizes that she has left Lazar by himself for the first time ever.

However, the ploy was unsuccessful as the next night, two men attempted to forcefully gain entry to the Phillips household, possibly intending to steal the giant painting the organization presented to him to commemorate reaching 200 assists a few years ago. Using his quick thinking and the skills he learned at leadership camp, the future Senators captain launched into preparing a number of booby-traps, many of which seem like they must have been planned out ahead of time.

"I just did what anyone would have done in my situation," Lazar explained. "When you think you're going to be attacked, you'll do anything to defend yourself. And in my case, defending myself meant completely covering the floor in Micro Machines. I also stayed calm and set up an electric iron to fall down the laundry chute when a cord was pulled. Hitting a dude with an iron square in the face is one of the most satisfying things, when done right. It's just like scoring your first goal in the NHL. Hey, so I guess I can cross two things off my bucket list this week!"

Lazar celebrates another successful trap. (Photo courtesy of Matty Go Sens.)

Lazar continued to describe the horrific ordeal to the silent and confused members of the media, "After one of them scorched their hand on the glowing-hot doorknob, I made sure to scatter broken Christmas ornaments on the ground because I knew the other would be coming through the window in bare feet because of the tar and nails I put down on the basement steps. Coach MacLean taught me a lot of valuable lessons during his time here in Ottawa."

It became less clear as to whether or not Lazar was attempting to prevent a theft or maim burglars, but despite his traps, Lazar found himself in a dangerous standoff at one point. "I tried my best, but they did end up getting me backed up against a wall. Thankfully, this weird old guy who I have never seen before showed up out of nowhere and pretty much saved my life. I turned around to thank him, but he was never seen again. Probably."

Will the mysterious shovel hero return to Ottawa? No one knows for sure. (Photo courtesy of Matty Go Sens.)

With the perpetrators suitably injured and the Phillips family home again, Lazar just wants to focus on hockey. Ottawa Senators owner, Eugene Melnyk commented on the events stating that fans would be happy to know that he will not be letting Lazar out of his sights. "I plan on supporting, supervising, and directly influencing Curtis in as intrusive a way as possible to ensure that nothing like this ever happens again to one of my most valuable assets. And also, that means I'm not letting him play in the World Juniors. Now let me get back to feeding my pigeons...err...players."