Monday, August 4, 2014

Ottawa Senators Off-Ice Power Rankings - August 2014

by Chet Sellers


It's August! How's your summer going so far? Good to hear, good to hear. Want to see some rich guys in shorts? Let's go!

1) Erik Karlsson (last month: 3)
BOOM. I didn't think Erik Karlsson could still surprise me, but I have to admit I was surprised when he announced there was still an online platform he hadn't joined and conquered yet. It’s easy to overlook a detail like that when he's already posting stuff like this:


I mean, how many more walls can this man break down for us? This is an up-close-and-personal video of ink being injected into his body. Next month, it’ll be a Vine of him and his doctor high-fiving after a testicular exam. By December we’ll have a 24-hour stream from a Karlsson-mounted GoPro camera, and we’ll all just be complaining about how boring it is watching him eat skinless chicken breasts and brown rice most of the time, with only the occasional key party to break up the monotony.

2) Marc Methot (last month: 8)
"Mer-MAN!" Methot shouted tearfully after this picture was taken.
If you've followed these rankings for a while, you've noticed that Marc Methot tends to trend upward during the summer and downward during the season. Why is that? It's because Marc Methot is summer. Marc Methot is all guns out, tight fades, golf with the bros, beer with the bros, quiet nights in with the bros, ball with the kids, and selfies, selfies, selfies. When those things don't make sense in February? He doesn't make sense in February.

Summer for Marc Methot is like a cage door opening for a beautiful bird that just wants to take off its shirt and spread its wings. Enjoy watching him streak across the sky while the moment lasts. You don't need to tell him it'll be over soon enough; he knows. He knows better than any of us.

3) Mika Zibanejad (last month: NR)

Then you’ve got summer in Sweden which, as far as I can tell, is basically Miami Vice cosplay.

4) Zack Smith (last month: NR)
Zack Smith makes the power rankings about twice a year and he only ever needs one tweet to get there. He picks his spots, though. If he tweeted more, would he top this list every month? Or would he be exposed by regular usage, like Bobby Butler?

5) Chris Phillips (last month: NR)

I fill the mash tun up halfway, then ride it with my surfbort. Surfbort. Surfbort.
Four grains are in my beer. Four, four grains are in my beer.
Chris Phillips has been enjoying a vacation of boarding and hop-growing at his summer place in Manotick. That’s right – his summer place is 15 minutes from his house. I’m reasonably confident Chris Phillips would have stayed if he’d only been offered a one-year deal.

6) Robin Lehner (last month: NR)

Robin Lehner became a millionaire, got engaged, and had a bunch of Senators prospects cook for him last month, which makes for a pretty good month. You know what I really like about the Lehner deal, though? It's not just the affordability, it's the reaction it inspired from his teammates. You know that feeling you get when you're happy your buddy at work got a raise, but you're just a touch bitter when you find out he negotiated a little bit more than you did?

7) Kyle Turris (last month: NR)

Here’s Kyle Turris having an awkward moment with wrestling legend Bret Hart. Turris’ willingness to show up for these little ceremonial things just proves he’s got what it takes to be the next captain, although in fairness, Chris Phillips would have also been on hand if he wasn’t afraid of this happening:



8) Eric Gryba (last month: 6)
A quick check of the Capital Waterfowling store indicates that, accounting for model and colour, you can buy any of 43 different duck calls from Eric Gryba. Chris Phillips, in comparison, only makes 16 different types of beer, and a number of those are only seasonal. I guess what I’m trying to say is that when you’re fighting for spots in an overcrowded defense, versatility should count for something. And before you point out that Patrick Wiercioch doesn’t even have one product, allow me to retort that you don't need one when you've got 29.

9) Mark Stone (last month: NR)

Mark Stone is only two years younger than Erik Karlsson, but it’s hard to imagine any player on the team as diametrically opposite to Karlsson’s brand of superstardom as Stone is at this stage of his career. Karlsson, in the tattoo video linked above, is wearing (must be 13 to click) a multi-hundred-dollar Dolce & Gabbana t-shirt. Mark Stone, when he shows up in public, usually looks like he’s doing his laundry.

It won’t last, of course. Stone, if he catches on at the NHL level like everyone expects, will be throwing paper around soon enough, moving from Gap and Gongshow to Dolce and Dior Homme on the same trajectory as Karlsson and others. So, you know, instead of looking cheap and skeezy, like this, he’ll look professional and put-together, like this.

10) Colin Greening (last month: NR)

Here's Colin Greening at a Dave Matthews concert in Chicago, presumably in celebration of his big contract extension kicking in. Is an interminable fiddle solo an appropriate metaphor for the next three years of Colin Greening? Sure, what the hell - see you next month!

NOT RANKED: Eugene Melnyk; trying to murder your problems; regional charter flights; bullying the new guy; making a child's wish come true; getting in the booth to SPIT. HOT. FIRE; telling it like it is; painting a picture with only a few words.
at Monday, August 04, 2014
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