by Bonk's Mullet
If you're a soccer die-hard like me, watching every match you can get your hands on (Euro and the World Cup), you're going to spend your next month firmly planting roots in your couch. I actually don't even plan on standing until it's over. The only thing moving slower than me for the next month will be the action on the pitch.
Sorry, that was a cheap shot. Don't get me wrong, I love the Beautiful Game, but I also like soccer, and we'd be remiss to ignore it here on our site. Whether you like it or not, you'll be privy to an earful from your co-worker Steve, who is currently sitting at his dining room table, fork and knife in hand, his napkin tucked into his grey t-shirt (which is tucked into his faded dad jeans), salivating at the thought of Cristiano Ronaldo embellishing a foul. Steve will point out how Gregory Campbell continued to play with a broken leg, which is when you can drop the bombshell on your pal Steve that Gregory Campbell is terrible, and that Cristiano Ronaldo's dismembered leg would likely be the 6th or 7th best player in the world, and somehow possess a wicked six pack too. Feel free to rip off your shirt at this point.
If you're looking for a team to support, why not turn to some of your favourite Ottawa Senators? I completely fabricated a story got in touch with the team to find out which country each of them was supporting in the tournament.
Erik Karlsson - "I've always been heralded for my work in the neutral zone despite holes in my defensive game, which is why I'm backing Switzerland."
Ales Hemsky - "I can't help but feel a deep, personal connection with Australia. They're in group B with Spain, the Netherlands, and Chile, so I anticipate an early exit."
Jared Cowen - "I put everything I have on Scotland."
Chris Neil - "Argentina. I grew up a Maradona fan because I'm a sap for guys who use their fists."
Eugene Melnyk - "Before I begin, let me remind you that I'm leading the boycott against Russia's 2018 World Cup. I'm encouraging all sponsors to withdraw their support of Russia. In the meantime, I have some suggestions as to where you may reallocate the money."
Melnyk continued, "Any idiot can support top-ranked teams. Remember, all I look at is cost per point. All of these teams are incredibly low-scoring compared to my boys, and more expensive too, which is why I'm picking the Ottawa Senators to win the 2014 World Cup! And not just the 2014 World Cup, but the 2015 World Cup, 2016 World Cup, and every year after that too! Buckle up, baby!"
Robin Lehner - "Sweden," he said, while a quivering group of Spaniards at knife point switched into blue and yellow jerseys.
Bobby Ryan - New Jersey native Bobby Ryan actually responded to my inquiry on Twitter, which is the closest thing to reporting we've ever done here. He said "not a soccer fan at all so I can't comment. I will of course be rooting for USA at game time," which, funny enough, is actually USA Soccer's official motto.
Mika Zibanejad - "I'm pulling for Iran. Funny thing is, I'm actually half Iranian, although you'd never know it by my name."
Milan Michalek - "I bet an arm and a leg on Germany."
Kyle Turris - "Going into the summer, I was told by the coaching staff to focus all of my attention on the red dot. I didn't know coach was so passionate about Japan."
Clarke MacArthur - "As you all know, I supported the bad guys last time. Eventually I grew tired of their oppressive dictatorship and brainwashed fan base, so I decided to switch my allegiance to their biggest rival... Huh? What about the Koreas? I was talking about hockey."
Stéphane Da Costa - "T'es serieux?"
Cody Ceci, Jean-Gabriel Pageau, and Marc Methot - "Brazil. Without a doubt. We think it's very wise to bet big money on the hometown boys. - Oh hey! Didn't even see you there, Bryan."
Jason Spezza - "Rather than telling you which team I'm supporting, here is a list of ten teams I will not cheer for."
Chris Phillips - "I chose a team by the same method with which I defend: closing my eyes and pointing. Although this time, it worked out a little better than usual," said the future Senators captain in a Honduras jersey.