Peristy Business Insider: May 29, 2014

by Luke Peristy

I haven't written anything in a while, so I'm going to over-compensate by writing one enormous article that's far too long. Hope you've got a long lunch break!

Eugene Melnyk's "Tefina" and other Miracle Drugs

by the Bonk's Mullet Staff

Reports have surfaced that Eugene Melnyk's Trimel Pharmaceuticals Corp. has successfully designed and tested a testosterone nasal spray named "Tefina" that significantly increases a woman's ability to orgasm. Tefina will replace Ottawa's previous treatment for sexual dysfunction:

I need a cold shower.

While the news of the drug's development has left some Sens fans hopeful that a bump in Trimel's share price could mean an increase in Ottawa's internal budget, we here at Bonk's Mullet are more intrigued by the other products Trimel has in the works. Straight from the desk of Eugene Melnyk, here is Trimel's newest lineup of miracle drugs currently undergoing rigorous testing**:

The Chet Sellers and Luke Peristy Podcast - Episode 6

by Chet Sellers and Luke Peristy

In our latest episode, we tackle the biggest question of the off-season (again) - who's going to be the next captain of your Ottawa Senators? Count down the possibilities with us! No spoilers!

Remember - you can subscribe to the podcast, including archives, in iTunes here or by RSS here!

Happy Birthday to BonksMullet.com!

by Bonk's Mullet

Today marks the first anniversary of the first blog post on BonksMullet.com! One year ago today I was travelling to Pittsburgh to watch your Ottawa Senators get totally dismantled in the second round of the playoffs. This site started as a place for me to dump out my long form silliness, and I never imagined it would evolve into the fantastic team of writers/extremely amateur comedians it has over the past year.

Ottawa Senators Off-Ice Power Rankings - May 2014

by Chet Sellers

Yay, the season's over! Finally, the Senators can stop worrying about on-ice distractions and focus on what really matters - using social media to show people how well their summer's going!

We've always tried to use these power rankings to analyze the inner lives of the men we cheer for between the boards, to figure out who they really are in order to give a greater dimension to their heroics. Well folks, we got a real treat this month. If you listen to our podcast, you'll already know about our admiration for new-wave Swedish documentarian Patric Persson. Persson's recent cinéma vérité work with Erik Karlsson has been daring and provocative - it's taken a man we thought we knew and peeled away his layers one by one, revealing nuance, shadow, and leave-in conditioner. And it's given us enough material to really start to understand what it means to be an NHL superstar.

So we're going to try something a little different this month. We're not here to celebrate the life Erik Karlsson's talent affords him; we're here to study it. We can take important lessons from Erik Karlsson about what it means to be a star, and in understanding that, perhaps take one step closer to becoming stars ourselves. We think we've figured out what it takes. Let's go!