by Bonk's Mullet
Come one, come all to watch the hottest ticket in town! The Senators' playoff drive has gone directly off a cliff, so you can understand why fans might be losing interest. "BUT NOT US!" says Bonk's Mullet to a thunderous crowd of literally dozens of readers, dressed in Spartan garb, plastic swords above their heads, helmets bobbling over their faces.
On Tuesday night, Ottawa played host to the New York Rangers, and boy did they put on a show*!
*a show akin to Everybody Loves Raymond
1st Period
There are three certainties in life: Death, taxes, and the Senators icing Greening-Smith-Neil as their starting lineup. Definitely-still-a-blue-chip-prospect Robin Lehner starts in goal.
Seven minutes in, Erik Condra drops the puck back to Mike Hoffman at the point who unleashes a huge clapper past Henrik Lundqvist to make it 1-0 Sens. "Ottawa might want to give Hoffman a look at the point on the power play," says a naive, wide-eyed Bonk's Mullet.
After Hagelin goes off for hooking Ales Hemsky, the Sens go to the power play. And well, take a look at that! Coach MacLean elects to roll out Mike Hoffman at the point. A cocky Bonk's Mullet pats himself on the back.
Mike Hoffman immediately bobbles the puck at the point and lets Rick Nash cruise past him for a shorthanded breakaway goal. "It's coaching decisions like that that cost you wins in this league. Despicable," says Bonk's Mullet, furiously hitting the backspace key. 1-1 ball game.
After penalties for both sides, we're gifted with 4-on-4 hockey featuring number 4, Chris Phillips. Entertainment!
On the power play following the 4-on-4, Zibanejad whips the puck to Spezza down low who whips the puck back to Zibanejad in the slot. Zibanejad whiffs on the initial shot, but Lundqvist shows his inexperience at Flinch Ball and leaves himself exposed as Mika gets off his second shot attempt. 2-1 Sens
Mental status of Sens fans after one period: Hopeful, yet skeptical.
2nd Period
The Hemsky-Spezza-Hoffman line records a few good scoring chances after some physical play down low, despite their proclaimed softness. Jason Spezza: So soft, he could be facial tissue.
A loose puck lays in front of Robin Lehner. The referee blows the whistle early. The simultaneous eye rolling of every single person in Ottawa is harnessed to solve the energy crisis. Hooray!
Halfway through the period, Hagelin steals the puck off of Karlsson's stick and feeds it to Derrick Brassard in front who squeaks one through Lehner. 2-2 sports game tie.
"For $400, this is the most predictable play in Senators history."
"What is... Jason Spezza making a blind centering pass to the point between the two defencemen all the way back to his own zone, Alex?"
"Correct. I also would have accepted: 'Chris Phillips passing it directly to the slot in his own end, allowing Pouliot to roof the puck to make it 3-2 Rangers.'"
"Yay?"
John Moore throws a knuckle puck at the net from the boards. It somehow drifts past Lehner to make it 4-2 Rangers. I hate to say Lehner should have had that one, so I'll let you judge for yourselves:
Not wanting to be outdone, Ryan McDonagh takes a shot that bounces off Bobby Ryan's skate, Marc Methot's stick, Paul MacLean's mustache, Jason Spezza's bald spot, and Robin Lehner's ego before finding the back of the net.
Mental status of Sens fans after two periods: Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
Mental status of Sens fans after three periods: Jello pudding pops.
A loose puck lays in front of Robin Lehner. The referee blows the whistle early. The simultaneous eye rolling of every single person in Ottawa is harnessed to solve the energy crisis. Hooray!
Halfway through the period, Hagelin steals the puck off of Karlsson's stick and feeds it to Derrick Brassard in front who squeaks one through Lehner. 2-2 sports game tie.
"For $400, this is the most predictable play in Senators history."
"What is... Jason Spezza making a blind centering pass to the point between the two defencemen all the way back to his own zone, Alex?"
"Correct. I also would have accepted: 'Chris Phillips passing it directly to the slot in his own end, allowing Pouliot to roof the puck to make it 3-2 Rangers.'"
"Yay?"
John Moore throws a knuckle puck at the net from the boards. It somehow drifts past Lehner to make it 4-2 Rangers. I hate to say Lehner should have had that one, so I'll let you judge for yourselves:
Not wanting to be outdone, Ryan McDonagh takes a shot that bounces off Bobby Ryan's skate, Marc Methot's stick, Paul MacLean's mustache, Jason Spezza's bald spot, and Robin Lehner's ego before finding the back of the net.
Mental status of Sens fans after two periods: Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
3rd Period
The two extremely exciting things happened in the third period.
1. Jared Cowen broke in on a 2-on-0(!?) with Mike Hoffman. If I could boil the entire 2013-2014 Ottawa Senators season down to one play, this is the one I would choose. Jared Cowen barreled down the ice like a monster truck on stilts, before lofting up a shaky backhand to Mike Hoffman's skates. Hoffman tried to get a shot off, presumably out of sympathy.
2. There was a temporary lifting of the ban from playing Cotton Eye Joe at the Canadian Tire Center, thanks to a poll from Sens blogger Sens Chirp.
Can you feel the excitement!? These two events culminated in my favourite tweet of the evening:
Instead of telling you that the Rangers scored three more goals in the third period to Ottawa's two, which included a brief cameo appearance from 3rd string goalie Nathan Lawson, I'm just going to give you a selection of tweets that give you a sense of the collective Sens fan ethos:
1. Jared Cowen broke in on a 2-on-0(!?) with Mike Hoffman. If I could boil the entire 2013-2014 Ottawa Senators season down to one play, this is the one I would choose. Jared Cowen barreled down the ice like a monster truck on stilts, before lofting up a shaky backhand to Mike Hoffman's skates. Hoffman tried to get a shot off, presumably out of sympathy.
2. There was a temporary lifting of the ban from playing Cotton Eye Joe at the Canadian Tire Center, thanks to a poll from Sens blogger Sens Chirp.
The moment you’ve all been waiting for. Cotton Eyed Joe has returned to the CTC. #Sens https://t.co/PNFM68vMju
— Kathryn Jean (@msconduct) March 19, 2014
Can you feel the excitement!? These two events culminated in my favourite tweet of the evening:
Where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from Cowen 2-on-0 @BonksMullet @SenatorsDJ
— Kevin Fowlow (@KevinFowlow) March 19, 2014
Instead of telling you that the Rangers scored three more goals in the third period to Ottawa's two, which included a brief cameo appearance from 3rd string goalie Nathan Lawson, I'm just going to give you a selection of tweets that give you a sense of the collective Sens fan ethos:
Granny just told the pizza guy to go fuck himself. She's real upset #Sens
— bRian (@brian5or6) March 19, 2014
This team is like Lego: all the pieces are there, but instead of making the Millennium Falcon, we just keep making a shitty tower.
— Luke Peristy (@LukePeristy) March 19, 2014
Just saw a naked man riding his bike down March Road. Sens fans have officially lost it
— bRian (@brian5or6) March 19, 2014
@Brochenski < :^)
— scott (@Wham_City) March 19, 2014
Best part of the broadcast tonight. pic.twitter.com/8dSYJi7IF3
— Bonk's Mullet (@BonksMullet) March 19, 2014
dean brown just spent 15 seconds talking about skrillex. that's why you NEVER turn off a blowout, kids
— Chet Sellers (@chet_sellers) March 19, 2014
Putting an Alfie jersey on a teddy bear and alternating punching it and feeding it pudding. Is this a normal response? Asking for a friend
— Steph (@PuckPossessed) March 19, 2014
#BringBackMikeBrodeur
— Steve On Sens (@SteveOnSens) March 19, 2014
Mental status of Sens fans after three periods: Jello pudding pops.
Words at the End
No words needed.