by Chet Sellers
Prologue
The phone rang.
"Chet, Mullet. Last-minute thing, yeah? I need you to take the game recap tonight. Brochenski's in jail."
"Man. Did he go to Canadian Tire again?"
"Yup. Anyway, thanks in advance. And maybe lay off all the meta stuff this time and just tell some jokes? Your page views are in the toilet lately. Besties!" I heard a click, and then a dial tone.
Pre-Game Thoughts
Hey folks, what's the difference between the Habs and the Senators?
a) A 2013 first-round playoff victory
b) An average of three inches and 30 pounds throughout the lineup
c) Fans who don't break the windows of Nissan Sentras on Peel St.
d) Nine points in the standings
Wait, I did that joke wrong. But it's too late, the game's starting! Let's go!
First Period
What's black, white, and red all over? Robin Lehner, in a heritage jersey, missing a Danny Brière shot 38 seconds in after Brière works over Bobby Ryan to get to the net. Is that a joke? It's no joke that this game is 1-0 Canadiens early on [shakes head].
Why did Jason Spezza cross the blue line? To pick up an errant Erik Karlsson pass and wire it past Carey Price three minutes later! It's 1-1, and only the second of Spezza's seven points since the trade deadline that doesn't feature Ales Hemsky, if you can believe that. "I'm going to make sure this never happens again," a teary Spezza tells Hemsky on the bench.
Stop me if you've heard this one: the Senators walk into a bar and give everybody a round of shots! The Habs outshoot the Sens 17-4 after one, and it's only good fortune, good timing, and good goaltending by Robin Lehner that's keeping this game tied. Remember October Robin Lehner, the guy who would regularly stop 50 shots behind a terrible defense? He's back! "Good to see you again!" says the same defense.
Second Period
What do you call a goal that's put in by Chris Neil as Colin Greening barrels into the goalie and takes the net off its moorings? You call it a no goal! I know that punch line is kind of a letdown, but so was the call. "Pas de buuuuuut," screams the Bell Centre, although on television it just sounds like the usual senseless, inane booing.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Erik Karlsson!
Erik Karlsson who?
Erik Karlsson, who fires a pass the length of the ice to Zack Smith, who buries his own rebound off Price to make it 2-1 Senators with three to go in the period. It's a beautiful goal from a beautiful man off an especially beautiful pass. After two, the Senators are climbing back into this game, outshooting the Habs 16-9 in the period and starting to play like they realize this is a game they have to win. Can they hang on for another 20 minutes?
Third Period
What did the blonde say after scoring two minutes into the third to make it 3-1 Senators? "Hooray! I'm Ales Hemsky and I scored!" Yeah, I know he's a sandy blonde at best. Let me have this one.
How many Clarke MacArthurs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, because it's not that hard to screw in a lightbulb! Also not hard for Clarke MacArthur - scoring off a Kyle Turris feed from behind the net to make it 4-1 Senators! It's all Ottawa five minutes in the third, giving them 15 minutes to kill before they can leave Montreal with two points. So that's gonna happen!
So this next one requires a little bit of setup. The Canadiens are in the desert, lost, dying of thirst, and things look bleak. They seek shelter from a sandstorm in an underground cave, and as they venture deeper into the cave, pushing through walls of cobwebs, they find this dusty old lamp. Lars Eller rubs it, and a genie appears! He's wearing the typical black-and-white striped shirt, black pants, skates - I don't need to tell you what a genie looks like.
Anyway, the genie blabs on and on about how he's been trapped in the lamp and how happy he is to be free, and long story short, he gives the Canadiens three wishes. Eller goes first. He says, "Genie, the next time I'm in a two-month scoring drought, I'd really like you to get me out of it. Maybe against the Senators if that's possible."
"Done," says the genie, looking at his calendar. "Four minutes to go in the middle of an Ottawa blowout, making it 4-2 Senators. Who's next?"
Brian Gionta approaches the genie. "I'd like to score in that game after Lars," he says.
"Sure, what the hell," says the genie. "Wrist shot, far side, two minutes left, Lehner probably should have had it, 4-3 Senators. You know, usually people ask for money."
David Desharnais clears his throat. "I'd like to tie that game, with 0.3 seconds left, following a questionable hooking call on Kyle Turris to make it 6-on-4, and after an obvious goaltender interference on Lehner goes uncalled."
"Now we're talking!" says the genie. "Shazam!" And he disappears, and all of a sudden the Canadiens are out of the desert and on the ice at the Bell Centre, raising their arms in triumph after tying the game at the last second, embracing as Robin Lehner has an aneurysm. Oh, and at some point Francis Bouillon wished for one more wish, which apparently you're allowed to do. That's it. That's the joke.
Overtime
