by Chet Sellers
Prologue
I didn’t need to check my phone to know it was the boss. I’d been waiting for this call.
“Chet, you haven’t done a recap in over a month. I need you to take the Predators game tonight.”
“Don’t wanna. Can’t make me.”
“You’re right, I can’t make you. But I can make sure your invitation to this summer’s Mullet n’ Mendes Blog Bromance BBQ Blowout gets lost in the mail.”
I exhaled loudly.
“We’re renting a 40-foot party barge,” he continued.
“Fine.”
“That’s the spirit. And get on it, because time is Mendes. Kiss you! Miss you!” Then the line went dead.
Pre-Game Narratives
Hey everybody! Remember the Ottawa Senators of, oh, the entire season up to last weekend? [everybody boos] Well, good news – after a hard western road trip that saw the team drop winnable games to Edmonton and Calgary only to regain their focus and stomp Winnipeg, the new Ottawa Senators have come back to town! [polite applause] These new Senators can’t lose – no really, they can’t, or they won’t make the playoffs as an 8th seed!
We’ll see tonight if the Senators can keep their momentum going against a struggling Nashville Predators team that likely won’t make the playoffs. There’s a lot to watch going into tonight’s game – how will the hometown crowd greet new forward Ales Hemsky? Can he continue his telepathic play with Jason Spezza and Mike Hoffman? Can a grown man still get lost in the deep, soulful blue depths of Mike Fisher’s eyes? Let’s find out!
First Period
One thing about the new Ottawa Senators - they still give up a lot of shots. Nashville controls play throughout most of the first period, at one point outshooting the Senators 14-2. And it's not just the number of shots - it's the intensity! Twelve minutes in, Canadian Olympic Hero/soon-to-be Duck Dynasty cast member Shea Weber fires a point shot on goal that hits Craig Anderson in the shoulder, knocking him to the ice for several minutes. Not a minute later, another Weber shot hits Cody Ceci in the side of the head, removing him from the game. From heaven, Charlton Heston looks on with approval. "They'd shoot you if you didn't shoot them first," he says to Weber.
Second Period
Hang on, I'm just gonna check my notes here . . .
"Spaling goal - 12
Smith goal - 10
Nystrom goal - 3"
So that happened. 3-0 Predators, and I hope you live somewhere with privatized liquor, deregulated energy markets, and saddle oil, because the Senators are bringing their Alberta hockey to you! And if you aren't used to Alberta hockey . . . it's just bad hockey?
Third Period
Four minutes into the period, Milan Michalek finishes off a still-wheezing Craig Anderson with an elbow to the head, which brings Robin Lehner on in relief. Will Lehner's presence finally inspire Ales Hemsky and Jason Spezza to continue their Glimmer Twins-style play? Let's pick things up twelve minutes into the third, when a Hemsky feed to Spezza is deflected by reclamation project Jared Cowen, making it 3-1 Predators. So maybe Hemsky and Spezza still have it going? Too bad it's too late!
I'm gonna fast-forward another two minutes now, when a Hemsky feed to Spezza sets up a Marc Methot goal to make it 3-2 Predators. I mean, I guess that's score effects, because good for them, but where were these goals when they counted, guys?
With a minute to go, though, it's Spezza, finally, who buries a pass from Hemsky to make it 3-3. That's three goals for the Senators in the third, and three points for each of Hemsky and Spezza. SEN-A-TORS! SEN-A-TORS! SIGN THEM BOTH! ONE AT LEAST! GUESS WHICH ONE!
Overtime
The #hemskysens we saw in the third period come out strong in four-on-four, but with a minute left in overtime, it's Chris Phillips who demonstrates the veteran presence that warranted his re-signing by picking up his man at the blue line and finishing his check . . . only to realize that the puck is twenty feet away on Seth Jones' stick, who breaks away unopposed into the Senators end. 4-3 Predators is your final, and though, y'know, it's great that the Senators came back from a three-goal deficit, come on, Senators. What happened to Winnipeg? What happened to us?
Lessons Learned
One point is better than no points. Two points would be better than one point. Picking up the puck carrier on the point is best of all. But you know, five million bucks doesn't go as far as it used to. Still, the Senators rallied to pick up a point tonight against a team they needed to beat, keeping themselves at least nominally in the playoff picture, and Spezza and Hemsky look like a match that even eHarmony's algorithms couldn't predict. So I guess that's it for tonight, folks, and we'll see you next time on . . . Saturday? Sure, why not!
Epilogue
The phone rang again.
“Hey, so good news, bad news.”
I sighed.
“The bad news is the Blowout is off, because Mendes says he’s not comfortable doing it in international waters. The good news is you wrote a recap tonight. Probably a couple people found it mildly amusing. And no one can ever take that away from you.” He hung up.