By Luke Peristy
Welcome back to Bonk's Mullet Dot Com! Hope you all had a lovely Olympic break. I know we did. We are now well rested and ready to bring you the high quality and factual* game summaries that you've come to expect all the way to the end of the season**. It's a well known fact that giving bloggers time off during the Olympics will improve their performance afterwords***.
Anyway, as fun as it was to watch a bunch of nationalistic fantasy teams play a single elimination hockey tournament over the period of two weeks, as the great philosopher Marshall Mathers once said, "We must all eventually snap back to reality.", and what a reality it is! I hope you enjoy media promoted narratives, because there are tons.
- Mike Hoffman, having proved his dominance of the man-child opposition in the AHL, has been called up to Ottawa where he's been put on a line with Mika Zibanejad and Bobby Ryan. His impressive AHL scoring pace combined with his quality linemates are making Hoffman the most hyped AHL call-up since the last guy Ottawa recalled from Binghamton. *Puts hand to earpiece* Wait, the last guy we called up was Da Costa? Ok, maybe most hyped since the guy before Da Costa.
- Daniel Alfredsson is making his second professional return to The Birthplace of His Children. Alfie's first return to Ottawa was a time of reflection, appreciation, bitterness, and closure, like an episode of Maury, but with less "You are not the father" dancing. However, tonight's game is more important to the standings than our feelings. See my next point, which is...
- Ottawa remains mired in the middle of what I'm calling
The Clusterf**k to the Last Playoff SpotThe Race for Eighth Place. With a win tonight, Ottawa would move within one point of Detroit for the 2nd Wild Card spot, whereas they would fall five points back with a loss. That's how fast things move in today's NHL. In a mere 60 minutes, you could be just out of a playoff spot, or you could be pretty far out of a playoff spot. #Analysis
- Through it all, the spectre of the trade deadline looms large over the proceedings. Will Ottawa be buyers or sellers? Will they be adding a top 9 forward, or subtracting a Milan Michalek? Will they go all-in for a defenseman, or just let it ride with Jared Cowen? Do I even know how to properly use gambling metaphors, or am I just making it up as I go along? Only time will tell!
Robin Lehner gets the start tonight as Craig Anderson is attending to a family emergency. Anderson's wife is supposed to be undergoing a radical new medical procedure wherein she may lose up to nine pounds in a matter of hours. We wish the Anderson family all the best at this time.
To the game!
* - This is a lie.
** - This may also be a lie.
*** - Ok, we have an actual graph to back this one up. But you can't see it.
** - This may also be a lie.
*** - Ok, we have an actual graph to back this one up. But you can't see it.
16:56 - The Hoffman-Zibanejad-Ryan line looks great immediately, as Mike Hoffman finds himself all alone with the puck in front. He can't get the puck past Gustavsson, but Bobby Ryan kicks the puck into the net in the ensuing scramble. The goal is waved off immediately. In Bobby Ryan's defense, when you're in a slump, you'll take them any way you can get them, including illegally.
14:27 - Cody Ceci does his best Erik Karlsson impression by jumping up into the play and taking a feed in front of Howard. He fails to score on the play, but blows it off saying "Sorry, that was an impression of Erik Karlsson in his rookie year."
11:21 - Kyle Turris draws a penalty and the Sens go to the powerplay. Ottawa's puck movement looks strong, and they generate several good chances, but can't finish. Still, Ottawa's looked so strong so far it's clearly only a matter of time until they take the lead. I mean, for Ottawa to give up the first goal at this point would be a total reversal of the run of play so far. They've clearly been the better team and if there's one thing I know about hockey, it's that the better team always wins. Always. Every time.
9:01 - Cody Ceci falls for the old "Yell the rookie's name and hope he just blindly passes you the puck" trick. Sheahan gets an easy one for Detroit. 1 - 0 Detroit Ok, well fair enough, but at least...
8:32 - Johan Franzen takes advantage of one of Ottawa's Famous Defensive Breakdowns™(Now available on the Rideau Canal during Winterlude!), and suddenly it's 2 - 0 Detroit. Things look bad all of a sudden, but there's no reason...
6:12 - Johan Franzen takes a feed that drifts through the entire Senators team twice and blows a shot by Lehner. 3 - 0 Detroit Looks like it's going to be one of those nights, huh? I'd better go get myself a drink...
2:00 - Something called a "Tomas Jurco" scores for Detroit. 4 - 0 Detroit Oh for fu-
**PLEASE STAND BY**
An assessment of the 1st period expressed exclusively in hockey cliches: What happened there was the Sens stopped skating; they stopped moving their feet. There's still a lot of hockey left, but they've gotta get pucks deep and go hard to the net.
2nd Period
16:11 - Johan Franzen catches Robin Lehner cheating off the near post, and roofs it. 5 - 0 Detroit Still though, Ottawa only needs three or four quick ones and they're right back in this! *Takes flask out of breast pocket, drinks whole thing*
15:41 - Bobby Ryan takes a seeing eye shot that breaks Gustavsson's shutout bid, thus removing the one shred of tension still remaining in the athletic contest. 5 - 1 Detroit
14:56 - Tomas Tatar slips a Jared Cowen check and gets the puck all alone in front of the net. He scores because it's what all the cool kids are doing. AND IF EVERYONE JUMPED OFF A BRIDGE, TOMAS?! 6 - 1 Detroit
14:56 - Robin Lehner is done for the night. He outlasted me by several minutes. Fathers with children are suggest they leave to beat the traffic which sets a new record for "Earliest Dad Departure Suggestion".
Rest of period - There was more hockey. I didn't watch it because I was sitting in the parking lot with my dad.
An assessment of the 2nd period expressed exclusively in hockey cliches: *drinks beer and pukes*
3rd Period
The Wisdom
There's been lots of hockey games this season that Ottawa has lost simply because they didn't show up in the early part of the game. This was not one of those games. If simply trying hard isn't working, I don't know how to fix the team. Let's do a situation report for the team, here.
- Erik Karlsson's so good, the Senators expect to win automatically.
- Andrew Hammond and Mike Hoffman both looked great tonight and are apparently unaware of the culture of mediocrity Ottawa's trying to cultivate.
- Bobby Ryan ended his goal scoring slump, so I don't know what to say about him any more.
- Jared Cowen? He's cool.
- Mika Zibanejad is a real natural at centre, almost as if he's been playing that position his whole life.
- Marc Methot's got a promising career in media started, just in case this whole hockey thing doesn't work out.
- Jason Spezza has won 100% of ceremonial faceoffs at home this year, which is giving the team a tremendous psychological edge.
- Kyle Turris' contract is a great bargain, and isn't being a great bargain what every hockey player dreams of?
- This might be Daniel Alfredsson's last game in Ottawa, so at least we won't have to suffer through any more "Daniel Alfredsson Kills Ottawa in Ottawa" games.
See, it's not all bad. The sun will come out tomorrow, it's only a game away. Because it's an outdoor game. That's why the sun is coming out. Get it?
Whatever, I'm done here.
- Erik Karlsson's so good, the Senators expect to win automatically.
- Andrew Hammond and Mike Hoffman both looked great tonight and are apparently unaware of the culture of mediocrity Ottawa's trying to cultivate.
- Bobby Ryan ended his goal scoring slump, so I don't know what to say about him any more.
- Jared Cowen? He's cool.
- Mika Zibanejad is a real natural at centre, almost as if he's been playing that position his whole life.
- Marc Methot's got a promising career in media started, just in case this whole hockey thing doesn't work out.
- Jason Spezza has won 100% of ceremonial faceoffs at home this year, which is giving the team a tremendous psychological edge.
- Kyle Turris' contract is a great bargain, and isn't being a great bargain what every hockey player dreams of?
- This might be Daniel Alfredsson's last game in Ottawa, so at least we won't have to suffer through any more "Daniel Alfredsson Kills Ottawa in Ottawa" games.
See, it's not all bad. The sun will come out tomorrow, it's only a game away. Because it's an outdoor game. That's why the sun is coming out. Get it?
Whatever, I'm done here.
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| This isn't me. You can tell because this guy doesn't have a beard. |