Monday, November 11, 2013

Ottawa Senators Halloween Power Rankings - November 2013

by Chet Sellers


What's this? BONUS power rankings? In the second week of November? About Halloween costumes?

Hey man, I don't control when the Senators have their Halloween party. I only control when we get to rank things, which in this case is immediately after the Senators' Halloween party. And as a change of pace, this week we're counting 'em down! Let's go!


5) Mika Zibanejad


On the one hand, it's cool that Mika Zibanejad is a grown-ass man who's excited to dress up as a firefighter, a Halloween costume that's traditionally the domain of six-year-old boys. On the other hand, the gender politics of this pairing are . . . problematic. If it's his idea, how do you think he brought it up? "Hey, I've always wanted to be a brave fireman, but we need a joint costume since we're going to the party together . . . say, do you wanna be the dog that sleeps in the garage at the fire station?"

Also, since these costumes are for a party, it's not a proper party without DJ Z-Bad on the 1s and 2s, and his knob-twiddling, fader-riding, and beat-dropping are going to be severely impeded by those baggy sleeves. For reference, check out friend of the blog @mat_sens' video from Z-Bad's Junxion performance; Zibanejad's arms are flying so quickly that those short sleeves aren't just a fashion choice, they're a necessity. What am I trying to say here? The practical and progressive thing for these two to do would have been to switch costumes - everybody wins.

4) Matt Kassian


These are pretty good, and you know Kassian's gonna sell whatever he does (although Matt, really selling it in this context means shaving that overgrown Van Dyke beard - it's Movember, not Chinuary).

That said, as fun as this throwback is, I'm taking style marks off for two things. One, the "Extreme Close-up" pic is a nice touch, but it makes it impossible to tell whether Kassian is in fact wearing super-tight, light-denim hesher jeans (or whether Kassian's lovely wife is actually dressed as some kind of regrettable "Sexy Garth"). Two, Wayne's hat said "Wayne's World" and I'm pretty sure Kassian's hat says "Excellent". In fact, I'm pretty sure he just bought this hat with attached wig, rather than source more authentic pieces separately. The truth is, people don't wear hats with their own slogans on them, even in fiction; have you ever seen Dean Brown wearing a snapback that said "SCRAMBLE"? Didn't think so.

3) Kyle Turris


Okay, now we're getting into the real costumes. Turris' fascination with Batman is well-known, but the reason why Batman is the world's greatest detective and perhaps its greatest human specimen (good!) is because he's driven, often to the edge of madness, by personal tragedy, obsession, and borderline psychopathy (bad!). You can't have one without the other. Does Turris have the appropriate perspective and background to give his own Batman that kind of gravitas? Since he played in Phoenix, probably.

These are solid costumes, but there's no need for Turris to stuff himself into a padded costume that looks like a bag of potatoes after all that hard summer training that's made him so strong both on and off the puck. Just show 'em what you got, Kyle - you're already more swole than Adam West's Batman, and probably on par with Michael Keaton's, even with the suit on. And starch those cowl ears while you're at it!

Finally, whatever that dog is wearing, he's not happy. We don't talk a lot about animal consent here on the blog, but it's a real thing, and that dog hasn't given his. What does animal consent look like? Thanks for asking.

2) Derek Grant, Jason Spezza, and Erik Karlsson


Sons of Anarchy is gloriously dumb but these costumes are great. The interesting thing about this trio is the partnership between Spezza and Karlsson, two established vets, with Derek Grant, who's probably still living at the Kanata Centrum Holiday Inn. Did Marc Methot drop out? Or is Grant starting to become a fixture with the team? That's Twitter for you, always breaking the news.

Even if Grant has insinuated himself in the dressing room, this picture still reads as "Hey rook, we bought you a vest, you take care of everything else." That explains why Spezza and Karlsson have surprisingly-professional looking hair and makeup and Grant is wearing the "Super Mario" wig and mustache from Cody Party Supply. What's amazing is how, at 23, Erik Karlsson is pulling off a credible Ron Perlman (even if he's going for Charlie Hunnam), thanks largely to the ridiculous guns he sculpted while he couldn't use his left leg. And Spezza? That's actually not makeup - the age he's showing there is all Kyle Turris.

1) Robin Lehner


Leave it to Robin Lehner to come up with the one costume that is legitimately terrifying. I get his decision-making process - "I'm 6-5, 230; I project a hostile exterior but I'm actually a softie underneath; I live in a swamp" - but the combination of seemingly-unhinged NHL goalie, children's movie character, and all that argyle makes his Shrek costume the perfect mix of whimsy and dread. Lehner is also the only player on this list committing to the full rubber mask, either because he's used to it as a goalie or because, like everything, Halloween is serious business. Just wait until he pulls it off.

You win, Robin Lehner. You always win. There's a lot more to say about Lehner - his recent performance, his meme-ification on Twitter, and the subsequent renewal of his Twitter account - but it'll have to wait until next month's power rankings. See you then, everybody!
at Monday, November 11, 2013
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