Since U Been Gone - Daniel Alfredsson Edition

by Matt Mostrey and the Bonk's Mullet Staff

You never know how people will react in emotionally-stressful situations. In late October, on the occasion of the Senators' first matchup against the Detroit Red Wings and former captain Daniel Alfredsson, we expressed our conflicted emotions the only way that made sense to us - by posting a series of bad Kelly Clarkson parody lyrics on Twitter. That prompted the following offer from musician and Twitter power-user @infiascomatt:

@chet_sellers @BonksMullet if you guys write a since u been gone Alfie song I'll record it. no joke.
- Matthew Mostrey (@infiascomatt) October 23, 2013

How could we say no to that? The words came quickly, like in our hearts they had always been there. Once Matt recorded it, we knew we had something special, and today, as Ottawa prepares for the return of Daniel Alfredsson, we share it with you. Alfredsson may be gone, but like the song says, now we get what we want.

As long as what we want is a hockey team with a losing record. Enjoy!

*We wrote these lyrics a while ago.

Tweets of the Week - Week 7

by the Bonk's Mullet Staff

Folks, we've got good news and bad news for you today. The bad news is that we're all going to the Sens-Canucks game tonight, so for the first time this season there will be no recap this evening. The good news is that we're not leaving you hanging - instead, we've collected some things we already wrote and put it together with content scraped from other people! It's the tweets of the week!

Game Summary - Game 25: Senators @ Capitals - Meet the Washington Capitals

by Chet Sellers

We like to have fun here at bonksmullet.com, but sometimes we forget the real objective of this site - education. Take tonight's game against the Washington Capitals, for example - we could make "jokes", and try to be "funny", but would you end up learning any more about the Capitals that way? How much do you know about the Capitals, anyway? Can you name any of their players other than Ovechkin? Do you know which division they're playing in this year? Did you know they used to be called the Bullets?

Didn't think so. We're going to use the rest of this recap to introduce you to a number of Washington Capitals players who figured into tonight's outcome against the Senators. Which ones, you ask? Let's find out!

Designs Considered for the Ottawa Senators Heritage Classic Jersey

by the Bonk's Mullet Staff

Lost in the madness of Rogers buying the rights to broadcast every hockey game for the rest of time is the fact that the Senators are primed to unveil their latest "Heritage" jersey in preparation for the 2014 "Heritage" "Classic" in "Vancouver". The jersey is expected to be a white-ish version of the current heritage jersey...

...which is itself a throwback to the first franchise's uniforms of the early 20th century:

Is this the appropriate heritage to be celebrating, though? Webster's dictionary defines heritage as "the traditions, achievements, beliefs, etc., that are part of the history of a group or nation." The truth is, no matter how many banners the modern-day Senators hang, theirs is a history that's a little more than twenty years old, not one that's over a hundred.

But why fret about it? There's still a lot of heritage to celebrate in the Senators' last twenty years. Come with us as we show you some potential heritage jersey designs, all inspired by the proud history of YOUR Ottawa Senators!

Game Summary: Game 24 - Senators and Hurricanes do sports and it was bad

by Bonk's Mullet

Coming off a big win on Hockey Night in Canada against a division rival in Detroit, Sunday's 5 PM start against the Metropolitan Hurricanes had all the makings of a turd burger. Grab your ketchup, because boy, did it deliver!

Robin Lehner was given the start despite having played last night, but you can't blame MacLean for going with the hot goaltender/bull wrangler.

Surely the return of Joe Corvo to Carolina for the nth time should have been one of the major storylines tonight, but he was not dressed for the evening, although I'm sure the return to the Carolina press box was equally emotional for Joseph.

Game Summary - Game 23: Senators @ Red Wings - 5-on-3 Night

by Chet Sellers

Folks, ordinarily it's not too hard to find a storyline for a Senators game, no matter who the opponent is. Leafs or Habs? Easy. Bruins, Penguins, Sabres, Flyers? There's a rivalry there. Devils, Capitals, Rangers? Hey, we met in the playoffs. Lightning? Expansion draft buddies!

But I'll tell you, I'm really struggling with an angle on this Red Wings game. I'm looking at the lineup they're icing tonight, and yeah, they've got some good players - Datsyuk, Zetterberg, Kronwall - but nobody who's got any real history with the Senators. Is it because they've played in the Western Conference for so many years that it's so hard to make a connection here? I mean, is there any reason why Senators fans should get worked up about playing the Red Wings?

Apparently they're giving out this bobblehead tonight, but I'll be honest - I don't even recognize who this is.

Eh, why bother overthinking these things? Two teams with no real history, rivalry, or reason for animosity face each other tonight, and maybe tonight's the night the Senators end their recent losing streak. Let's find out?

Game Summary: Game 22 - Sens Lose to Wild, Heatley Scores, Hockey is Dumb

By Luke Peristy

Tonight's hockey game in Ottawa featured a team on the second night of back-to-back games fresh off a humiliating away loss to a team that made Danny Briere rich. What you might not expect is that the team I'm referring to happens to be the Minnesota Wild. Indeed, if you thought Ottawa's 5-2 loss to the Flyers was depressing, you should have seen Minnesota's 6-2 loss to Montreal. Things were so bad for the Wild last night, they had to put in little known backup Darcy Kuemper. Kuemper is an NHL rookie, but his main claim to fame is that his face looks like a mashup of Dustin Brown and comedian Anthony Jeselnik. Leaving aside Kuemper's resemblance to an insulting pest who makes people laugh and Anthony Jeselnik, Kuemper's presence in last night's game gave Josh Harding half the night off. As such, Minnesota started somewhat rested Harding while Ottawa countered with starter goalie who should be the backup starter(?) Craig Anderson.

Minnesota also dressed two Senators super-villains in Dany Heatley and Matt Cooke. Heatley, of course, is hated by Sens fans due to his much publicized trade request and subsequent hamstringing of Bryan Murray. Cooke, meanwhile, is hated by everyone everywhere due to his much publicized being a terrible person and subsequent Achilles tendon-ing of Erik Karlsson last season. Which player would more feel the wrath of thousands of angry Sens fans and possibly as many empty seats? Let's find out.

Weekly Sens Tweets of the Week - Week 6th Week

by the Bonk's Mullet Staff

It may seem like a strange decision to post a "tweets of the week" post on a Wednesday, but it feels appropriate given how strange a week it was for the Ottawa Senators. First, a 5-0 loss to the struggling Flyers, followed by an impressive comeback win to Boston, followed by two straight games of hockey pants defecation.

Warning: Most of these tweets involve pain and suffering.

Philly

potvin's commentary goes from good to great when you picture him sitting at a piano
- Chet Sellers (@chet_sellers) November 13, 2013

DOUG MACLEAN: michaelchuk is just invisible out there. spezza is struggling but he needs maplechick to help him out. where is marblechest
— Chet Sellers (@chet_sellers) November 13, 2013

#Sens fans need to relax, it was just another complete breakdown of the entire system.
— Tariq Anwar (@TariqAnwar00) November 13, 2013

#MacLeaning pic.twitter.com/sj03omRpha
— Mike (@gosensgo101) November 13, 2013

Baaahston

If 28 is starting over 22 for ~tuffness~ vs. BOS then that's like Mr.Burns pinch hitting Homer for Darryl Strawberry to get the L/R match-up
— Brochenski (@Brochenski) November 15, 2013

Maclean needs to walk into the dressing room and give each player a high five...except Cory Conacher. Message sending time #Sens
— bRian (@brian5or6) November 15, 2013

Sens vs. Bruins drinking game pic.twitter.com/s1Ndah5eBw
— Steph (@PuckPossessed) November 15, 2013

"One's a bruising forward, the other is a sniper with dodgy knees. Only one can win. 'Milan of the House' premieres tonight on Sportsnet."
- Luke Peristy (@LukePeristy) November 15, 2013

Strongest Sens zone entry that period was when the camera caught Greening picking his nose *rimshot*
- Brochenski (@Brochenski) November 16, 2013

@MelnykEugene pic.twitter.com/lKe2zyajw7
- ⓢⓒⓞⓣⓣ (@Wham_City) November 16, 2013

My bro just chirped the whole Bruins team in the market. I've never been prouder. #Sens
— Joanna Rozanski (@Jayzanski) November 16, 2013

@SensReporter I just hope Seidenberg's elbow is ok. Scary.
— Steve Lloyd (@TSNSteveLloyd) November 16, 2013

Lumbus

BOB ROSSKY! pic.twitter.com/6DXXEVfHsq
— Bonk's Mullet (@BonksMullet) November 17, 2013

WTYKY Poll: Will you still cheer for the Senators when they relocate?
— штчкч (@wtyky) November 17, 2013

I feel ya, Gamecenter. I feel ya. pic.twitter.com/rzUB2wwa6F
— Bonk's Mullet (@BonksMullet) November 17, 2013

Philly II: Return to Philly

@BonksMullet Wanna see my Clod Jerou jersey?
— Cedric Richards (@CedricRichards) November 20, 2013

. @BonksMullet "not yet bro, I'm winning" pic.twitter.com/5SrVUmw2zZ
— Denis Zgonjanin (@deniszgonjanin) November 20, 2013

My tears are currently under review by everybody around me
— Brochenski (@Brochenski) November 20, 2013

#Sens vs. Flyers game summary in drawing pic.twitter.com/MjVlnTVLCz
— Steph (@PuckPossessed) November 20, 2013

No YOU'RE still crying over a stupid hockey game
— Brochenski (@Brochenski) November 20, 2013

Misc.

J'ai Keshia Chanté Tu as Keshia Chanté Il/Elle a Keshia Chanté Nous avons Keshia Chanté Vous avez Keshia Chanté Ils/Elles ont Keshia Chanté
— Bonk's Mullet (@BonksMullet) November 14, 2013

@chet_sellers What? These? We know how hockey ACTUALLY is at IceJerseys. We learned it. #Sens pic.twitter.com/CueBJv4d0B
- IceJerseys.com (@IceJerseys) November 14, 2013

.@KeshiaChante http://t.co/GTdzsKTgLx
- Capital Gains (@Capital_Gains65) November 14, 2013

"No change. Just give me 'The Bettman' again." - Jacques Martin at the hairdressers
— Luke Peristy (@LukePeristy) November 18, 2013

Havlat? I'd rather Havlatendresse.
— Darren McLeod (@Darren_McLeod) November 19, 2013

Invitation said formal. Lehner dresses how he wants. #LehnerFacts pic.twitter.com/dbnaQiI2b0
— Capital Gains (@Capital_Gains65) November 15, 2013

"Can any among you identify the mascot called Spartacat?" "I'm Spartacat!" "I Spartacat!" "I'm Spartacat!" - At the Sports Mascot Convention
— Luke Peristy (@LukePeristy) November 18, 2013

honey, if you can't handle me at my kassian, you don't deserve me at my karlsson. now help me flip off this guy in the corolla
— Chet Sellers (@chet_sellers) November 18, 2013

Havlat will waive his NTC to come to Ottawa. Arrives in town and hands Bryan Murray medical file. "I hear you're good at rebuilds. Fix me."
— The 6th Sens (@6thSens) November 19, 2013 

If you've gotten this far, you're probably quite the #socialmedia fan, in which case you should follow Bonk's Mullet on Facebook. Get your favourite articles squished in between Buzzfeed listicles and your old friend from high school's new baby and or puppy and or lunch.

Game Summary: Game 21 - Senators @ Flyers - More Like FRAUD Street Bullies

by Chet Sellers

Nobody knows anything. Exactly one week ago, the Senators, riding a three-game win streak, faced the struggling Philadelphia Flyers only to fall completely flat and lose 5-0. All of the pre-game storylines I tried to gin up about a desperate Flyers team getting violent with the Senators in the usual way fell equally flat, as the Flyers controlled the game from start to finish and the most severe harm to a member of the Senators occurred when Paul MacLean broke his glasses.

Paul MacLean struggles without his glasses as most Ottawa sports media members appear as shapeless blobs.

Nobody knows anything. Since their loss to the Flyers, the Senators played one of their best games of the year in a 4-2 win over Boston, only to turn around and drop a winnable game to Columbus. Which version of the Senators shows up tonight in Philadelphia is anybody's guess. Why Robin Lehner has finally been released but Patrick Wiercioch continues to languish in the press box is anybody's guess. Whether Keshia Chanté will be sitting behind the visitor's bench hurling D batteries is anybody's guess. So let's not guess - let's see what happens!

Photoshop Game Day Preview- Ottawa @ Philadelphia

by Capital Gains and Bonk's Mullet

It's game day! The Ottawa Senators are in Philadelphia to take on the Flyers tonight. The Sens are looking to rebound back from a 4-1 loss against Bob Rossky and the Blue Jackets. Here are your big story lines for tonight's game:

Game Summary: Game 20 - Ottawa loses 4-1 to Bob Rossky

by Bonk's Mullet Bob Rossky

Why hello there my pretty little readers. If you're new to the program, I'm Bob Rossky, the number one painter on the force.

How nice of you to join us. It's truly a pleasure for you to let me into your homes today. I'm sure you're familiar with my work as the creator and host of The Joy of Painting as well as some of my more recent work. Let's open our minds up and dive into our own happy little world of hockey.

Photoshop Game Day Preview- Columbus @ Ottawa

by Capital Gains

Following a 4-2 win against the Boston Bruins, the Senators are looking to build on their success against the Columbus Blue Jackets. This game will mark the first time Nick Foligno suits up against his former team - but that's not the only storyline you should follow this afternoon!

Game Summary - Game 19: Senators Secondary Scoring Spurs Success Over Boston

By Luke Peristy

Remember this past Tuesday afternoon?

I do.

It was a time filled with hope, and promise, and the opportunity for the Ottawa Senators to extend their winning streak to four games against a struggling Philadelphia Flyers team. Then the game happened. Hope turned to sorrow, frustrations were expressed, and everyone agreed to never again talk about what they had seen.

Following that atrocity, the Senators had three days off to think about what they'd done. Word out of practice was that the team spent a lot of time practicing breakouts in preparation for tonight's game against the Boston Bruins. This is good, because Boston is exactly the sort of robotic and positionally-sound hockey team that feasts on puck movement that is, uh, how shall I put this..."too Cowen-y".

Boston plays a style of hockey that Stalin would be proud of, which is to say that it's cold, heartless, and brutal in its effectiveness. From their ruthless efficiency on the ice to their utter lack of controversy off of it, the Bruins are hockey's version of the T-1000. In fact, it's become clear Peter Chiarelli will trade you simply for having too much personality. How much personality is too much, you ask? The answer, impossibly, is "Phil Kessel". Poor Tyler Seguin never had a chance.

So, how did Ottawa's team of interesting individuals stack up against Boston's Corsi Killbots? Let's find out.

Photoshop Game Day Preview: Boston @ Ottawa

by Kevin Lee

Coming off a severe beating by Keshia Chanté the Philadelphia Flyers, the Ottawa Senators look to rebound against the Eastern Conference champion Boston Bruins, a team they've struggled to beat over the past few seasons. This is a big test for the Sens, and we've got the story lines you should look out for:

Robin Lehner vs. Keshia Chanté

by the Bonk's Mullet Staff

The internet is a powerful tool that allows us to do incredible things. It allows family members on opposite sides of the world to communicate instantly, it can facilitate political uprising against oppressive governments, and it can aid with disaster relief.

But the best part of the internet, by far, is its ability to publicly broadcast questionable and regrettable decision-making in real time. Today we bore witness to one of these great moments, courtesy of Keshia Chanté. Wait, who?

Game Summary - Game 18: Senators vs. Flyers - Orange is the New . . . Crap

by Chet Sellers

I don't know what it is about the Flyers, man. I don't know if it's their aggressive, hunting-jacket orange uniforms, their rich tradition of goonery, or their amoral, sociopathic fanbase that seems to confuse hockey with blood sacrifice, but there's something about playing the Flyers that just seems to get the Ottawa Senators all riled up.

There's the 2004 brawl, obviously, in which Jason Spezza's team-record 35 penalty minutes finally closed the door on his baby modelling career for good, and more recently, this royal rumble from 2011. Heck, even last year, this happened:


Harry Zolniercyk concusses Mike Lundin. Peter Regin was uninjured on the play.

 And then later that game, this happened:



So I guess you could say Flyers games tend to get a little chippy. The other thing that could spur a physical game from the Flyers is the fact that the Flyers are terrible, and they and their struggling captain Claude Giroux are under a lot of pressure to turn things around. Will they get tough and look to capitalize against a Senators team for whom cockiness might be setting in during an undefeated homestand? Not if this guy has anything to say about it:

"Oh Andy, you came and you stopped them from scoring, and this doesn't quite rhyme, I'm sorry."

Look, I love Robin Lehner. I'm Member #1 of the unofficial Robin Lehner fan club I started (cards should be back from the printer any day now). He's not the most experienced goalie on the team, but he's probably the most skilled. But you know who should be fired up by that? Craig F. Anderson, that's who. There's nothing like a little competition to drive both to dizzying new heights of excellence. So after a week of all this Lehner talk, is Andy ready to come out and have the game of his life? And how many fights will there be tonight? Let's find out!

Sens Tweets of the Week: Week 5

by the Bonk's Mullet Staff 

Here are all of your previous Tweets of the Week.

Week 5 was a complete 180 degree turn for the Ottawa Senators. After an ugly three straight losses in week 4, the team crawled back up the standings with three straight victories and now sits just 1 point outside a wildcard playoff spot, or at least that's how we think the playoffs work. Here are some jokes people told on the internet this week:

Photoshop Game Day Preview: Philadelphia @ Ottawa

by Capital Gains

Editor's Note: Please welcome Capital Gains as the 5th official member of the BonksMullet.com crew. Gains was scooped up as an official member thanks to his Halloween guest post, and consistently hilarious Photoshop jobs and comics. 

It's game day! The Philadelphia Flyers are in town, which means that Ray Emery has once again returned to the nation's capital. Make sure to wear your seatbelt while driving to the game! Here's the Senators Extra prediction panel (featuring Bonk's Mullet) with their predictions for tonight's match, and here are your big story lines:

Ottawa Senators Halloween Power Rankings - November 2013

by Chet Sellers

What's this? BONUS power rankings? In the second week of November? About Halloween costumes?

Hey man, I don't control when the Senators have their Halloween party. I only control when we get to rank things, which in this case is immediately after the Senators' Halloween party. And as a change of pace, this week we're counting 'em down! Let's go!

Game Summary: Sens beat Tim Thomas and the Panthers in only 2 minutes

by Bonk's Mullet

A quick glance at Luke Peristy's Eight Types of Ottawa Senators Home Games tells us that Saturday afternoon's tilt against the Florida Panthers qualifies as a...*scans page*... "The American team absolutely no one cares about or will ever care about game!" Fantastic! Let's see how this one panned out.

The Eight Types of Ottawa Senators Home Games

By Luke Peristy

I'm a guy who likes to keep his ear to the ground where the Ottawa Senators are concerned, and lately I've been hearing things like, "Ottawa Senators games: 'plenty of good seats available!'" and "Ottawa Senators games: 185 days since we last broke the Noise-o-Meter!" and "Ottawa Senators games: We might win now that we're not playing the Western Conference. Seriously!"

Now, Ottawa is a lovely city full of lovely people, but they have a reputation of being rather unadventurous. I was ruminating on this and I had a thought: people might be more willing to go to games if they knew exactly what they were in for. In this spirit, I've created this handy guide I'm calling, The Eight Types of Ottawa Senators Home Games. Read on and I'll help you decide which Ottawa Senators Experience is right for you!

Game Summary by Robin Lehner: Robin Lehner beats Montreal #LehnerFacts

by Bonk's Mullet Robin Lehner

Hello little persons. I have taken over Bonk blog for tonight. This will teach them lesson for having the same password as me, "Lehnerbestalways." I will summarize the game now.

This is warm up face. Thanks to @haveasnack for photo. I will snack on my enemies for you.

Photoshop Game Day Preview - Montreal returns to Ottawa

By Kevin Lee

Thursday's game marks the first time the Ottawa Senators and Montreal Canadiens will meet since the playoff massacre last season. Given the smattering of events that occurred during the memorable series, there are plenty of narratives coming into tonight's all-important-must-win-four-point-game. Here's a preview of some of the biggest story lines to watch out for.

Game Summary - Game 15: Senators vs. Blue Jackets - Lehner vs. Lumbus

by Chet Sellers

Folks, if you're like me, the thing you probably missed the most during last year's lockout-shortened season was a Tuesday night date in Columbus. When I think of rivalry in the National Hockey League, when I think of tradition, I think of the 5-4-2 all-time series between the Senators and the Blue Jackets. And when I think about how that rivalry can blossom now that the Blue Jackets have moved to the Eastern Conference, I'm not going to lie to you - I get excited.


Who can forget this moment?

Tonight we watch two proud, historic NHL franchises renew a long-standing blood feud. The storylines are endless - how will Marc Methot be welcomed back to the city that drafted him? Does Nick Foligno take revenge against his old team by running Robin Lehner? Oh, Foligno isn't playing? Well, what's Nikita Filatov up to, anyway? Is Pascale Leclaire still hurt?

More importantly, this game against the 5-8-0 Blue Jackets, one of those struggling Metropolitan division teams you've been hearing about, marks the first of three winnable games for the Senators this week. If the Senators are going to start climbing back into playoff position, they're going to to do it on the broad, horse-like shoulders of Robin Lehner, who will be the starter at least until Craig Anderson recovers from Sunday's scary collision with Valeri KNEE-chushkin (see what I did there? It feels good to laugh).

If Lehner's solid in net, and the team comes out with the momentum they were showing near the end of Sunday's game against the Stars, will this be the Tuesday night in Columbus everyone remembers as the one that turned the Senators' season around? Let's find out!

Sens Tweets of the Week: Week 4

by the Bonk's Mullet staff

It was an ugly week for the Senators. The team blew two goal leads two games in a row, and capped the week off with a comeback that resulted only in a shootout loss and the loss of their starting goaltender to injury.

I'll let this fan in the white jersey sum up how fans feel right about now:

But keep your chin up Sens fans. We still have self-deprecating humour! Here are your Sens tweets of the week!

Ottawa Senators Off-Ice Power Rankings - November 2013

by Chet Sellers

It's November! And that means that, after months of compiling off-season power rankings, we got to watch the Senators play actual hockey during the month of October! And they were terrible!

We could spend hours discussing what went wrong for the Senators this past month. Instead, let's spend the next five minutes discussing what went right - the selfies, the zingers, the fashion choices, and everything else that doesn't show up in fancy stats. Let's do it!

Game Summary - Game 14: When you wish upon a shootout loss to the Stars

by Bonk's Mullet

Sunday's game against the Stars was a microcosm of the entire Ottawa Senators season so far. The game featured an awkward 1 PM start, the return of an aging ex-teammate, an early two goal deficit, a potent offense counterbalanced by impotent defense, and a solid goaltending performance wasted on account of being outshot by a Western conference opponent. Oh, and don't forget a loser point!

Here is the summary of Sunday's 4-3 shootout loss to the Stars.

Game Summary - Game 13: Islanders vs. Senators - Dream of Kanatransmutation

by Chet Sellers

Folks, my Word-of-the-Day calendar says today is November 1, which means it's time to "transmute" (verb; "change in form, nature, or substance") the page on a fairly dismal October for the Ottawa Senators. Tonight we bid adieu to Western Conference powerhouses and begin a long stretch of games against mostly-unimpressive Eastern Conference teams, starting with the New York Islanders.

Like Ottawa, the Islanders have a losing record so far this year; unlike Ottawa, they've already started to shake things up, recently trading Matt Moulson to hockey gulag Buffalo for winger Tomas Vanek. The Senators, meanwhile, will shake things up by starting the game with the Halloween franken-lines from yesterday's practice. That means Jason Spezza is either a third-line centre or Chris Neil is a first-line winger, but hey, stranger pairings have worked before.

Will the shake-up work? Can the Senators capitalize at home against a middling Islanders squad and turn their fortunes around in what already feels like a must-win game? Is tonight the night they begin to transmute October's failure into November's success? Let's find out!

The Bonk's Mullet Advanced Stats Series - Part 2

By Luke Peristy

Depending on where you like to get your hockey news from, it's possible you may have heard of newfangled hockey stats like "Corsi" and "Fenwick". While these terms sound like the names of characters from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Glendale City Council, it turns out that Corsi and Fenwick are actual people! In fact, Jim Corsi was a goaltending coach with the Buffalo Sabres, and Matt Fenwick is a blogger for the Flames. Around the internet, certain blogs maintain a sort of fanatical devotion to the Fenwick stat, and it's easy to see why; keyboard warriors have to stick together!

Anyway, Corsi and Fenwick are a way of expressing shot attempts on the net, and if you would like to read more, I recommend this excellent article.

BonksMullet.com has been working hard at developing some of our own #FancyStats as we're looking to get into the hockey analytics game as well. In Part 2 of our Advanced Stats Series, I'd like to introduce you to some of the new performance metrics we've developed. We haven't named these stats after ourselves because we're not that vain. Rather, as we've developed these stats, we've named them after the players that inspired them.