by Bonk's Mullet
It's back! After months of anticipation, your favourite weekly-feature-that-only-happened-one-time has returned. Every Monday, for the entire season, I will answer questions from the mailbag. Tweet me with the hashtag #AskMullet to have all of your pressing questions answered. Standard text messaging rates apply.
With Sens fans still reeling from the news about Zibanejad, I've answered some questions from today and some from the vault, because most of you only asked if I was wearing pants.
Warning: There's some NSFW language if that offends you.
Warning: There's some NSFW language if that offends you.
1. Classic Conundrum
I'm not a fan of violence, so I'll reserve my kill for the Wings fan, given that he or she is likely to be killed anyway living in Detroit. I couldn't possibly take fucking Leafs fans away from Dave Nonis, so I'll have to make passionate Quebecois love to the Habs fan. That leaves me with a Leafs fan as a spouse, so excuse me while I go "Alfie on Darcy Tucker" myself.
2. #Guyet Island
@BonksMullet Leaf fan/Hab fan/Red Wings fan. Fuck one marry one kill one GO #AskMullet
— Andrew Martin (@AMartin0994) September 30, 2013
I'm not a fan of violence, so I'll reserve my kill for the Wings fan, given that he or she is likely to be killed anyway living in Detroit. I couldn't possibly take fucking Leafs fans away from Dave Nonis, so I'll have to make passionate Quebecois love to the Habs fan. That leaves me with a Leafs fan as a spouse, so excuse me while I go "Alfie on Darcy Tucker" myself.
2. #Guyet Island
@BonksMullet you're stuck on an island with Guyet, do you form a friendship or swim for it? #AskMullet
— Kris Kok (@kriskok) September 30, 2013
Easy: form a raft out of his naturally buoyant body. Next question!
3. Pooter Budaj
@BonksMullet Pooter Budaj. Not a question. Just a statement. #AskMullet
— Charlie Arsenault (@BigB0I96) September 30, 2013
Charlie raises a very valid and necessary point. If you missed it last week, the Rogers 22 announcer calling the game refered to Peter Budaj as "Pooter Budaj." Official t-shirts have already been commissioned thanks to @SteveOnSens:
@BonksMullet @Brochenski pic.twitter.com/CvPvqeIw44
— Stephen Hickson (@SteveOnSens) September 30, 2013
4. "Some people say that I eat too many chocolate bars"
@BonksMullet who is going to really breakout this season with the sens? #askmullet
— chad the show (@ChadlyGratton) September 30, 2013
Given that Jean-Gabriel Pageau is now the current youngest player in the lineup at almost 21 years old, I don't foresee anyone developing a bad case of acne this season.
5. Will the Real Radek Bonk Please Stand Up?
@BonksMullet will the real Radek Bonk ever guest tweet using your handle? #AskMullet
— Stu Schwartz (@StuntmanStu) September 30, 2013
Good question Stu, Stuntman. I think it would be the greatest moment in Bonk's Mullet history to have an interview/conversation/fleeting moment of passion with the real Bonk. A few of my friends played a game of pickup with him over the summer when he was visiting Ottawa. I'll be sure to write up a blog about it later.
6. Breaking Z-Bad
@BonksMullet How much Flynn & Juice did you drink last night? #AskMullet
— Ben Niven (@benniven) September 30, 2013
For those of you who missed it on Twitter, I attended a Breaking Bad finale event last night at a bar in West Philadelphia (not born and raised). Here's the menu from their event (spoilers?). Like the big spender I am, I stuck mostly to Schraderbraus.
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| Click here for a full-size image. "Roof Pizza" is the best. |
#AskMullet Why can't Ottawa have nice things?Why do birds sing? Why is the sky blue? Why are Senators Swedi- oh my god it's the apocalypse.
— Alex Swift (@AD_Swift) September 30, 2013
8. Fountain of Youth
@BonksMullet how many goals will ALFIE score against the sens? #AskMulletMaria is a Wings fan, so feel free to hate her. I'm convinced that the source of Alfie's power lies deep within the bowels of Scotiabank place. Therefore I predict Alfie will score in each of the two games in Scotiabank place (in crushing defeats) whereas he won't score any in the Joe Louis. All season. Big two goal season for Alfie.
— Maria Camacho (@Mariia19) July 29, 2013
9. Mullet Mania
@BonksMullet will the man behind the legend ever grow his own mullet? #AskMullet
— James Creighton (@ThatFishCreigh) July 29, 2013
@BonksMullet Why do you not rock a mullet as well? #AskMullet
— Nice Guy Devon (@NiceGuyDevon) September 30, 2013
It appears as if I'm going to get asked this question all the time. Growing my own mullet would be like repainting the Sistine Chapel, covering the Beatles, or trying to pull off a burnt orange tie and shirt combo as well as Cory Clouston.
10. "Female Fans"
@BonksMullet How do you deal with your female fanbase treating you like a piece of meat?
— Stefan G:son (@steffeG) July 29, 2013
Funny you should ask that, Steffe. Based on my inbox, I think this is my fan with the biggest crush on me.
@BonksMullet How many of your female followers have *not* offered to DM you suggestive pictures? #AskMullet
— Adnan (@sens_adnan) July 29, 2013
@BonksMullet How many marriage proposal and/or offers to go out on dates from hot girls have you received since #Rihannaing? #AskMullet
— Adnan (@sens_adnan) October 1, 2013
@BonksMullet Will you be taking off your shirt next season? #AskMullet
— Adnan (@sens_adnan) July 29, 2013
Tune in tomorrow for Chet's October power rankings!